1/30/2010 (Rambling and Some Online Updates)

I played poker until 6:30 a.m last night online.  I woke up around 2:30 p.m to find a few inches of snow outside.  It’s still coming down somewhat steady.  I checked the weather a day ago and this was not called for.  Interesting because I checked the map a few minutes ago and the storm seems to have blanketed all of Maryland.  This isn’t a random cloud that happened to pass through.  Sometimes I think I could predict the weather almost as accurately as forecasters by using three simple steps:

Step 1:  Setting up a dartboard.

Step 2:  Sectioning off the board into reasonable forecasts for each lane.

Step 3:  Launching a dart from 50 feet away to make a weather prediction for the upcoming day.

Curios by nature I did a google image search for "weather forecast dartboard" and actually found something.  Looks like the one below was used for the Christmas day forecast somewhere.  I guess I'm not the first to come up with this brilliant idea of using a dartboard to predict weather:

I can’t think of another profession where you can be so horribly incorrect with such stunning frequency, yet get away with it.  Maybe a stock market broker?

About a week ago I realized I needed to clear a $300 bonus on PokerStars by 2/5/2010.  I’ve been vigorously working to clear it in time during past week.  I’ve played 20 hours in the past 4 days, which is a decent volume considering I had a 9-5 job to deal with as well.

I decided to short stack 200NL to clear the bonus.  It was pretty much my only shot at accumulating 2,500 FPP so quickly.  The strategy has been working out well so far.  Right now I’m up +$300 in the 20 hours played.  Last night was by far my most frustrating session, but I still ended up break even in 6.5 hours.  I took 3 horrendous beats in a very short time frame which sent me tilting like a psycho.  Man the beats online are tough.  I never have a problem controlling myself live.  But when a series of crazy suck outs all happen nearly simultaneously on different tables online it’s hard not to go ape-shit nuts.  I still have to work on my online poker discipline.

As for short stacking 200NL I have generally been buying into two tables at $40 each to start.  Though last night I was four tabling by the end.  Sometimes when I double up once or twice I will leave the money on and go after bad players with my bigger stack.  This is risky business, but I’ve had some decent success hunting certain players.  I’ve been extremely focused on table selection and who exactly I am trying to go after on different tables.  I’m pleased with the strategy so far.  I just think it’s important to tread extremely carefully when I double or triple up my original $40 and decide to leave the full $120 or whatever on the table.  All it takes is one bad beat here to have a massive impact on my bankroll.

My roll is $2,049 right now, but I’m only 450FPP away from clearing a $300 bonus.  I want to stick with short stacking 200NL for a while (even after I clear it).  It’s going well and I’ve been happy with my play.  Even if I play break even, the other players will make it worth my while if I select the correct table.  Around 5a.m-6a.m last night some extremely crazy games broke out which boasted my FPP total nicely. 

I still think PokerStars is WAY TO FRIGGIN TIGHT.  It’s a constant chore to find cash games that are worth your time.  After I clear the bonus I’m thinking about making a deposit on Full Tilt Poker and checking out what they have to offer.  Seems you can get a free 3 month subscription to CardRunners and Hold Em Manager for free if you simply deposit and clear a $100 in bonus on Full Tilt.

I haven’t gone out since I got back from Atlantic City and I’m trying to keep focus.  I need to keep focusing on poker, and I need to really cut back going out and wasting money (as dreadful as that may sound).  I’ll probably end up playing pretty much all of tonight as well (if things are going well).    I’m a tennis fan and the Australian Open final starts live at 3:30 a.m Sunday morning (Eastern Time).  I’m going to try to stay up and play poker through the start and end of that match.  That would be pretty ballin’.

Off to the tables for me.

Focus focus focus……

Atlantic City Trip and Thoughts

Friday night I was reminded by a good friend that it was her bachelorette party in Atlantic City the next day.  She is only 23 and getting married.  I guess another one bites the dust.  She invited me a while ago, but I had completely forgotten.  Well I decided to go last minute and leave Saturday morning.  It was a good trip.  I was the only guy and there were 5 girls including my friend who is getting married.  She really wanted me to go; it wasn’t weird for me at all.  When they were doing their own things at times I just simply went on a poker table.  I decided to bail on NY last minute, so I’m really happy that I decided on AC. 

If I stayed in town I would have wasted time and dwelled on not going to NY.  Time to just let that situation be.  Fuck that girl, and my brother will get my ring back.  I'm not going to be anyones "option" no matter how good looking they are or what kind of show they put on.  If I'm visiting NY and in town fine, if not whatever.  Instead of thinking about such BS I was hanging out with one of my better friends and got more focused on poker.

It was a fun weekend, but a little disappointing on the tables.  I’ll try to highlight some thoughts below:

1)  Limping in the small blind for $1? 

This weekend I played 200NL.  I played 4 hours Saturday and 6.5 hours Sunday live.  I noticed in certain situations you will have VERY passive live tables where there are a few limpers and the action comes to you in the small blind.  I often found myself dealt garbage and asking:

Call or Fold?

In this situation I ended up mixing my play randomly.  The main problem with FOLDING on such a table is it makes you look like a complete NIT.  It is often worth it to pay the $1 and not look like a total nit.  If you end up hitting a miracle fine; if not I would recommend getting the hell away from the hand with little investment.

Then again the problem with playing trash is you often get in trouble, even if you assure yourself you will not get invested with anything less than the nuts.  I clearly remember a scenario where I folded 3 5 off suit in the small blind (same scenario discussed above).  The flop came rainbow:

4, 6, 7

I remember thinking “oh of course.”  The only hand that could have defeated me if I entered was 5-8.  Who the hell would be playing 5-8?  Well it turns out one of the limpers did indeed have the 5-8.  Therefore, that $1 would have ended up costing me over $100.  I probably would have lost at least $150, maybe even the full $200 (which was the opponents stack size).  That would have been an extrmely difficult hand for me to get away from.  You have to assume the opponent would have committed almost as much even if he hit a set.

2)  Hammered by a flush draw.

Within the first hour during my Sunday session I lost a $450 pot losing to a flush draw.  I top paired the flop with a top pair queen, ace kicker.  There was a Queen of hearts, a 6 of diamonds, and 7 of diamonds on the board.  I correctly put some guy on the flush draw and re-raised $120 more all in.  One opponent called with top pair queen, king kicker.  The second dumbass basically committed his life on the flush draw.  Of course he turned the 3^rd diamond with his K 6 suited.  I wasn’t as angry as you would have thought.   I remember thinking to myself “ok whatever, congrats idiot well done”.  I took the bad beat very well.  If I could have dodged that one suck-out I would have been up a good amount on the short trip.

3)  An interesting aggressive player.

I ran into a player the first night that was incredibly aggressive.  He wasn’t just a random either; after I talked to him I knew he was a regular.  He would basically open a $10 raise pre-flop about 80% of the time (5x the big blind).  His aggression was overwhelming.  However, many players didn’t notice that he was never making loose CALLS; he was always the aggressor trying to take control.  And usually he did.  And when he actually did hit something this guy would get paid huge.  I was very curious to know what this guy was up or down overall (not just on the one session, but his cash career during the last few months).  I was card dead about 4 hours on Saturday, but later I realized his strategy was affecting my win rate.  He often suffocated my odds and made calling with low-pockets almost non-profitable.  His style forced the few good players out often, and he made the bad players THAT MUCH WORSE.  The bad players were taken completely out of their element as their already non-existent discipline declined at an accelerated rate.

I knew the guy must have taken swings like crazy.  He was so carefree about it though, nothing bothered him.  But I had a feeling that his up swings were entirely worth it.  Also his style is FUN.  I saw him stuck about $400 when he first sat down.  He made that up pretty quickly when he came back a couple hours later.  Also I saw him Sunday in the same room on a different table and he had a MONSTER stack.  I should have got his contact information to talk to this fellow, very interesting stuff.  I remember him telling me that he was entering a huge $3500 buy in tournament in AC at the end of the month.  It’s good to see different styles that are working for regulars.  I think his style would be incredible in most tournaments.

4)  Felt bad for a chronic loser.

Sunday I played with an older guy for a few hours.  He was probably stuck at least $700 by the time he left.  He had a cane and walked with a noticeable limp.  He was probably 40s or 50s.  It was tough for me to determine his age.  He could have been mid 40s, but aged really badly.  Or he could have been early 60’s.  Hell if I knew.  However, I did know that he was NOT having fun losing, or taking it in stride.  After he busted for the third time and left I was talking to seat 6 to my immediate right.  Seat 6 mentioned that: “The guy who just left always loses a bunch of money.  He must live around here.  I play in this casino about 2 to 3 times a month, and he always seems to end up on my table.” 

I couldn’t help feeling bad for the guy who just left.  There was just something about the way he carried himself that made me feel bad for him.  You see a lot of people like this in Atlantic City.  I even used to go up to AC alone and play every now and then.  I even thought about moving to Atlantic City about a year ago (what a terrible decision that would have been).  After visiting alone a few times I realized that taking money from certain people is something I might struggle with and think about a lot (assuming I’m in fact skilled and disciplined enough to make a living and support myself of course).

This was a factor that helped drive me away from moving to Atlantic City.  My profession would have forced me to make the most from very bad players.   Well what if those players are sick gamblers and they really can’t afford to lose the money?  Would I be ok waking up every day and looking myself in the mirror if I deep down knew that my sole existence revolved around out skilling these people for their money?

Then again they could always get lucky sure, and they often DO GET LUCKY.  Besides, if I wasn’t sitting there fighting for their money someone else would be.  My presence at the same table is inconsequential in the overall scheme of things.  They are going to play and lose whether I’m at the table or not.

Then again this doesn’t necessarily give me the moral right to justify participation in such a vicious cycle, especially as a career choice.  The facts will never truly give me the right to profit and exploit from such a vicious cycle.  However, I have now learned that the corporate cycle is much more vicious then out skilling a sick gambler on a 200NL table.  Oh corporate takes money from less fortunate people, it would be foolish to not recognize that.  In comparison corporate is far “more evil”.  I may question the morals of the path I am planning to take, but the thought process that "I would be doing more good" in corporate is laughable to me.

But it still doesn’t completely justify everything.

I guess it’s either work as a minion for the machine, or become my own small time crook.  I’d rather choose the small time crook for now.  When I sat down to write this post I didn’t intent to dig into the philosophical questions discussed above.  But I assure you if I ever become successful enough playing poker full-time to support myself you will be hearing about those issues from me again.  First thing is first though; personal survival.

5)  Why are there so many attractive girls out at night in Atlantic City?  Where are they coming from?

When I went out Saturday night I was amazed at the number of stunningly attractive girls out at the clubs in AC.  There are so many sketchy people in the city, but there are some DAMN good-looking girls out at night.  I guess they come from all over: D.C, Philly, and N.Y.  I talked to two girls who were from Brooklyn which was interesting.

6)  An attractive girl fucks up my plans

So I set a limit to leave the table Sunday at 5:30 p.m.  Around 5:20 this really cute girl begins circling around the tables amongst the filth of the Tropicana of all places.  It looks like she is looking for a seat to play poker!  Of course she ends up sitting to my IMMEDIATE FUCKING LEFT.   So obviously I stayed past my previously set leaving time of 5:30 p.m.  I had to at least talk to her.  I mean this NEVER happens; EVER!  A really hot girl comes in, circles around, and sits right next to you on a poker table?  WTF?  I had to at least make sure this wasn’t a dream and say something to her.

Around 5:50 I 3-bet $30 pre-flop with AK with the intent of isolating a fundamentally terrible player.  He thought for a few seconds and then pushed all in.  It cost me about $75 more to call his all in.  I analyzed the situation and then made the call.  He showed 66.  The standard pattern emerged: 

FLOP BLANK, TURN BLANK, RIVER BLANK!

Based on the opponent I thought there was too good a chance that he could be dominated.  Based on his range he could have easily made that play with AQ- A10.  At the worst case scenario I figured I was at least a coin flip.  I assigned him possible hand holdings something like:  AQ- A10 (40% chance), 22-QQ (45% chance), absolute dog-shit (10%), KK-AA (5%)

The odds weren’t terrible either; I was getting better than 2 to 1 on the call.  This was certainly not an instant-call situation, especially on a 1-2 NL table.  Remember with $80 (the amount I called) you could in theory sit there and see more than 225 hands.  I was leaving within the next time or two around so that also factored into my decision.  I figured that may have been the best live poker situation I have to win a $200 pot in maybe a few months, and if I lose I’m still up $50 on the day.  The most important factor was still how bad the player was and the range I assigned him.  Yet, if my living expenses depended on that $200 pot I may have folded.  That could be a bad thing.  I suppose it’s always correct to trust my analysis and go with the decision that it is profitable to call based on the situation.  It just didn’t work out; I was fine with the play I made.  Cheers to another pot that would have made the trip quite different.

As for the girl she said she was from Brooklyn and was leaving later that night.  She seemed very quiet or not into talking that much, so I didn’t push it.  I also wasn’t in the most confident of moods.  I partied hard the night before, hadn’t showered, or shaved that clean.  I was wearing a button-down I wore from the night before.  I did however have a pretty cool unique hat on, but I mean that’s about it.

After I went to the cage and cashed out I looked back over at the table.  There was eye contact with the girl for at least 5 seconds.  She could have randomly looked over and happened to see me, but whatever.  What the fuck can you do?  I set up a weekend situation where it seemed impossible for a girl to screw with me in anyway and one STILL SMASHES ME.  As soon as she sat down I should have just handed her a $100 bill and left.

I deserved to lose that last pot.....

Girls destroy me........

-bag

Terribly Distracted and Unmotivated (1.18.2010)

It’s Monday again; a day where I have to get increasingly creative with regards to what I have to look forward to.  During the beginning of last week I stayed decently focused.  Then Thursday-Saturday I went out pretty much every night, even though I had to work a full day Saturday.  The full mandatory day wasn’t because we were really busy or behind on work.  My boss just wanted to make our department look good to everyone else with a big project push looming, so he decided to force us to come in.  The situation disgusted me.  I won’t dig into it, but it’s not like I’m surprised at this point.

The main reason I have been going out so much is to really keep my mind socially occupied, and forget about the girl I met in NY.  It’s a vicious cycle I’m beginning to fall into, but at least I had the balls to not contact her over the weekend.

I don’t really remember being in a situation like this before, it’s very strange.  You could probably browse a thousand dating sites and articles and not see anything comparable.  Dating advice usually talks about how you can get yourself in a position to hook up with a girl, not what to do once you’ve already hooked up in a crazy unexpected fury.  After that I guess it's just expected you commit?  You can find plenty of advice on the first few dates and keeping interest level, or advice about the full-blown relationship.  But the in-between phase seems to be uncharted territory for most.  The problem is my “relationships” or “interactions” during the past year only seem to exist within the uncharted territory that makes no sense to most people.  It’s either get fucking married already or go random-hookup mode.  Can’t there be an acceptable in-between?

A logical being would ask what the hell I am exactly having trouble with here?  She is really pretty and there doesn’t seem to be any strings attached.  Isn’t that the American dream or something?  Shame I’m not like that, sometimes I really wish I was.  To me there is always “strings attached” when I get involved with someone because I genuinely care about them, or I wouldn’t have even got involved in the first place.  If I go on a date and I'm not completely into it I immediately cut the interaction off, I don't use the person for a hook-up.  In a way I somewhat want strings attached.  Yes I want girls I spend my time on to actually care about me beyond the realms of physical attraction.  I would even want to feel comfortable if I wanted to call a girl I hook-up with to discuss a problem.  If I feel I need someone to be there for me, I want to feel comfortable sharing my problems with that girl.  She should at least pretend to care about my life, and I give her that same respect.

I’ve never completely hooked-up with someone and spent an entire weekend with them, only to feel like I’m forced to play games to this degree.  I feel like I only took this girl on a first date, we haven’t even kissed, and I don’t want to give up control.  I still need to play my cards right.  In a non-fucked up world I could have texted her over the weekend showing that I missed her, if I was younger that’s what I would have done ("ok we hooked up, she liked me, and I like her.  I'm going to say hi!"), but experience has taught me that would have been the 100% incorrect move.  In a normal universe it would seem reasonable to tell someone you miss them after a connection like that, but in today’s world you’re somehow a complete loser if you even think like that.  But it’s ridiculous because I’ve already hooked up with her, for that matter she fucked me.  I really wasn’t the one pushing it.  Shouldn’t the circumstances at hand eradicate the “I don’t want to call her too soon or show her I’m thinking about her” games?  Maybe the games are all in my head.  Maybe she was just busy this past weekend (yeah right).  Perhaps she was having so much fun that she didn’t even think to text me or whatever (fun with another guy or ex).  Or maybe since I’m not in town, she figures there was no point to get in contact with me.  For that matter, maybe she is incapable of having a level of connection with me that I need when getting involved with someone.  Maybe she’s just a whore; her interactions with guys mean very little beyond the physical level.  But everyone is different; you really can’t be 100% sure what someone is thinking.

One of my friends once compared me to “E” on Entourage.  However, I don’t even expect to get into a serious relationship, that wouldn’t even make sense based on my goals.  So I’m a fucked up hybrid of E lol? 

Anyways I’m planning to set something up with one of my brothers and contacting the girl today or tomorrow.  I’ll say something about how I’m thinking about visiting NY, and asking if she may happen to be around the upcoming weekend.  I think that is the best way to approach this situation, it’s important to gauge her response correctly as well.  If don’t get a good vibe then I’m most likely not going to travel up there.

Anyways, this mess is completely taking away from poker and everything else which is terrible.  It’s having a downward spiraling snowball effect into other areas of my life, which has got to stop immediately.  When I play online I’ve been playing $2.20 180 turbos, which is a complete crap shoot.  I’m trying to get the hang of playing about 12 tables at once so I can put the volume in, but in a lesser amount of time.

I have no idea what is going to happen this upcoming weekend, or if I will even end up going to NY.  It should be interesting how this plays out.  Monday-Wednesday this week I want to focus on working out, sending out my resume to jobs in Vegas, and a few poker sessions here and there.

I’ve decided it’s at least wise to test out the job market in Vegas.  If I could line something up that pays even 30-40k a year that is more than enough to start.  If I’m over-qualified I really don’t care, I just want to set something up that helps smooth the transition.  If I get out there and don’t like the job I can quit whenever and hopefully play poker full time.  It’s going to be impossible enough pulling this move off, I think it’s important to have something stable in Vegas to fall back on at first.  Then I could just play cards on the weekends until I’m comfortable quitting.  Also my one friend bailed on the moving idea, so I’m going to be alone.  He’d rather spend the summer at a local beach town and try to find a terrible Russian girl to marry him or whatever.  The kid is a complete idiot and I expected being on my own, so whatever.  He would have been more baggage then he is worth.  Hopefully he finds what he’s looking for (A foreign girl student on a work exchange program who is stupid enough to use him for the money that he doesn’t even have.  Or use him for the Visa required to stay in the U.S.  Hopefully he will at least have some good sex until he gets completely screwed over.  He can’t get a better looking girl “legit”, so I can’t blame him in that respect.)  

I should know if I’m going out of town by Tuesday-Wednesday.  If I end up staying in town I will most certainly go out Thursday hard-core to get my mind off shit that I really shouldn’t be caring about in the first place.  Cheers to that.

-bag or “E”

Back from NY- Personal BS and Such

Seems I haven’t posted in a while.  I recently got back from a trip.  I was in Manhattan for 4 full day and 3 nights.  It was the best 3 nights I had in so long.  If my goals weren’t so attached to poker I would be planning a move to NY instead of Vegas.  Going out is amazing up there, everything is just better.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I had such an incredible time.  Now I return “home” and I feel incredibly empty.  The emptiness has been felt throughout my entire body since I boarded the bus late Sunday night to return.  This emptiness is in the very pit of my stomach at this moment, as I type this sentence.  I’m not sure if the empty feeling inside me is depression or induced by the massive amounts of partying from over the weekend.  I think it’s a combination of both.  Though I slept 11 hours last night and it’s still there.  This leads me to think a mild depression is a more feasible explanation. 

The main reason for going away was to see my brothers because it’s been so long since I have caught up with them up there.   My younger brother and his friends are completely lost in the Manhattan scene, and I mean how you could not be!  I’m not sure how people survive and achieve their goals properly up there.  If I lived there I don’t know how I would be able to resist the temptation of going out every single night.  I guess a serious job or a somewhat serious relationship would balance it.  My little brother and most of his friends are students, so they have in a way not entered the “real world”.  And I have a feeling some of them will never enter the “real world”.  By real world, I mean what’s a normal life for most people.  In some social pockets a normal life doesn’t exist up there.  This is not bad, it’s amazing.  They have it made, fuck a normal life.

In a way I think it is extremely dangerous for me to visit NY frequently or for an extended period of time.  It’s dangerous in part because of my relationship with my older brother.  My older brother has achieved such incredible success.  To be so financially successful in your late 20’s is unheard of; he is one in a million.  He could retire and never work another day in his life if he actually wanted to.  The problem is it’s hard for me to accept that I will never be involved with him or his company in any way.

I see everything that he has achieved, and it sometimes makes me feel like a lesser person for not being close to it.  I also realize I will never be as successful as him financially, that's the way it is.  However, I wouldn't feel like that if I never experienced the success first hand.  If I never went up to visit him in my life I would probably be a happier person, but a less driven person.  Also, I’m not sure I will ever be completely “over” not being involved, it hurts.  Although I can say I’m closer to being over it than I ever have been.  Not completely, but maybe 95%.  To have a brother you’re so close to your entire life just abandon you in that respect is completely ridiculous.  I mean if I was in the same situation and my brother asked me years ago “I really want to be involved, please let me know if any opportunities EVER develop where you could benefit from my skill-set.”  I wouldn’t just respond: “oh we are kind-of only looking for programmers right now (and never mention it again)”.  If he really wanted me involved he would have made an effort to include me many years ago. 

Then I see him hire someone with an absurd salary in relation to his qualifications, and only because he was a somewhat close friend.  But fuck it I'm suppposed to understand right?  My brother who I thought I was so close too my entire life wouldn’t hire me as a janitor if he was a billionaire, and I’ve never completely grasped it.  The best explanation he has ever given me is “I wouldn’t hire someone I can’t fire”.  Which is somewhat bullshit, but at least it was better than nothing.  I think I only brought my feelings up to him DIRECTLY one time in my life, and that was his best explanation. 

In his defense he has absolutely earned everything he has.  It’s not his obligation to get me involved with his company.  Besides, it can be dangerous combining family with business.  If something goes wrong it’s certainly a lot of stress.  Another thing is maybe he wants me to find my own way completely on my own, but he has never said that so now I’m just rambling and thinking of justifications.

As for my younger brother, he’s in one of the top art schools in the world.  I have really grown much closer to him since he moved.  He has been amazing to me, and has encouraged me to come up and visit whenever I want.  This is the opposite of my older brother, who’s always too busy, and I always feel like I’m just an annoyance when I try to coordinate or plan something with him.  Even know the past weekend was the first time I visited in nearly 5 months, so I don't think its fair for me to feel like I'm an annoyance in anyway.  Before that I don’t even remember the last time I visited.  This time was different in that I hung out with my younger brother pretty much the entire time.  I had a quick dinner and two drinks one night with the older brother, and that was it. 

This is completely fine.  When I plan trips to NY from now on I will just coordinate with my younger brother.  He seems to really love my company and we have an awesome time.  I don’t want to feel like I’m really going out of my way to spend time if someone doesn’t 100% actually WANT to see me.

To complicate life more I was becoming close to a girl over the weekend.  I stayed at her place a night and things got crazy.  That entire situation was hilarious.  I wish I could share everything, but some of it is personal.  I guess I have various levels of privacy: the public (which knows nothing about me), my friends (who basically know nothing about me), a few very close people (who know a little), this blog as Baglife (which knows way too much), and the final level is ONLY me.  Anyways, the girl is good friends with my younger brother, and he told me the last time I visited that she was really into me.  She was really pushing things that trip, but I didn’t pursue it for a few reasons.  This time around it was the exact same situation; only I was attracted to her more and completely gave in.  I CAVED.  I’m going to try to not get into every little detail, but we hooked up and I slept over at her place one of the nights.  I also took her to brunch twice, watched a movie during the day once in her bed, and spent a lot of time one-on-one with her.

I’m not sure what it all meant to her, but it meant a lot to me.  From reading this blog you may think I’m in contact with a lot of girls, but I rarely EVER hook up with them.  Yeah I’m always getting numbers and all when I go out, but I never really pursue it or expect it to lead into anything.  Well this girl unfortunately reminded me of many of the things I miss about being in a relationship (DAMNIT FML).  How fulfilling it feels to be with an attractive girl knowing that she’s only thinking about you (which is of course bullshit, but in a relationship you can at least trick yourself into thinking 90% of her romantic thoughts are about you especially when you’re hanging out).  How innocent it can be just laying there watching a movie, or holding hands walking around the street, or just going spending the majority of the night just making out with that person in public (leaving everyone else to only wonder).  If I miss anything about a relationship it’s the innocent things that people take for granted, not hard core sex.  I miss the innocent things.

This girl is a total hipster, but to me it’s in a cool not ridiculous way.  She seems to be absolutely tied to the scene up there, it’s not good or bad it just is.  For example, she talked about maybe being worried about rent next month, but goes out at night wearing $400+ shoes.  She has a lot of different sides to her.  She can be a raging party-animal blowout, but then I take her out and have conversations with her and she’s a really smart girl.  She also has an element of deep to her.  She has a sweet relationship side-like type to her; I think she just hides it from most people.  What I mean here is hard to explain.  By “relationship-like” side I don’t mean she is looking for a relationship, I mean the romantic involvement with guys (or me at least?) seems to mean something to her based on her actions.  Like the day we just cuddled and watched a movie, which makes me think the involvement means a little more to her.  It probably didn’t mean as much to her as it meant to me, but that’s anyone’s guess.  At least I did a good job of hiding that it sort-of meant something.  My brother warned me she is promiscuous, but insisted how so into me she was which confused me.  So if she gets around is she THAT into the other guys?  It’s my guess that she isn’t really as promiscuous as he makes her out to be.  She’s an enormous flirt (not as much around me), but so am I.  However, I almost never hook up with people.  I’m sure she does much more than me, but who doesn’t.  Most people thrive on raw physical attraction more than I do, it’s NORMAL.  I’m the odd-ball here, trying to suppress it most of the time.  She really likes it and she’s cute so she can get it.

Anyways she already told me to let her know when I want to visit again.  I really like her.  I think she’s attractive and has something more.  I wouldn’t mind going up to visit in a week or two, which I might do.  I'm going to feel the situation out some before deciding to go up again soon.  I’m not sure what I’m looking for here.  I guess it seems like it could develop into something good.  I’m not looking for a relationship, but I am looking for a little something more than a hook-up.  This seems to be like it could be that little something more.  Then again, I might be misreading the situation.  Maybe it doesn’t mean as much to her, maybe it’s just a random hook-up.  But I’m going to use logic here a minute:

A)  Her and my little bro are CLOSE.  They are close going out buddies.  This leads me to think she wouldn’t get involved with me unless she really liked me.  She probably wouldn’t want to screw things up with my bro.  Unless she’s a total bitch and doesn’t care about any of that.

B)  She showed strong interest 5 months ago, and nothing changed when I visited over the past weekend.

C)  Why would she invite a random hook-up to let her know when he wants to visit again?  That doesn’t make any sense.  She’s a pretty girl; she could have thousands of attractive guys living in N.Y as a random hook-up.  She doesn’t need one from out of state to come visit her.

Plus when I visit I would be visiting my family and having an AWESOME time in one of the coolest cities in the world.  So it’s not like it could be a complete waste if she didn’t happen to be that into me.  I think like most interactions with girls it is important to act like I don’t care so much, even know I really do care.  I have this fear that if a girl knows I really care she will instinctively take that knowledge and use it to her advantage to destroy me. 

....... as you can see I have trust issues.

Oh another thing, this is embarrassing.  I let her hold onto my one CHAMPIONSHIP RING I won during my college years.  She liked wearing it.  I mean it started out when we were flirting and she asked about it and I was like "go ahead and you can wear it, it's alllll gooood."  Then eventually I just decided to let her hang onto it.  Every time I asked about it when I was leaving she seemed like she would have been so disappointed to give it back.  So I guess I have to come back to NY sometime, even if I don't want too lol.  I'm not sure why it amused me to put my most prized possession in danger.  It's probably more important to me then my college diploma.  I'm an incredibly sick mother fucker.

It's an impossible risk, blind faith in a near stranger.  Maybe the gambler in me is coming out here.  I won't be so happy if she takes a turn for the worst and LAUNCHES THE RING INTO THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM.  I guess a NY sewer would be equivalent to Mount Doom, the ring would disintegrate just the same.  If she happened to stumble upon this blog post I bet that ring would be toast.  It's a good thing I told basically no one who knows me in real life about this blog.  But now I'm crossing the line because the reference of the ring is blatantly obvious.  If someone who knew me well in real life read this post they would know it's me because of the ring reference.  However, it's still a less than .01% chance.  Guess I'm gambling in that respect as well.  Good thing I haven't told anyone about this blog.  I showed my older brother BRIEFLY, but he didn't take down the address or anything.

I’m not sure about the depressed feeling I mentioned in the opening paragraph.  I think a lot of different variables are contributing to it.  Like leaving my brothers who I feel more at place hanging out with then anyone I know around here.  Or getting kind-of close to a girl like an idiot when I damn well knew I would be leaving in the next day or so.  Or just thinking about how far I am from accomplishing what I need to make me feel contempt.  Maybe the prospect of grinding away unhappy in an office for a few weeks.  Plus the massive amounts of drinking in 4 days could have had a negative impact on my psychological state, maybe it’s WITHDRAWAL.  I’m going to the gym at least twice this week; it should make me feel better.  I feel like shit when I’m not active enough and party to much. 

Well it felt great getting some thoughts out even if no one reads the friggin’ book I just wrote.  Today it’s back to corporate for me, cheers to wasting time!  I’m very happy I have this blog to help me piece together my mess of a life.

-bag