Back from NY- Personal BS and Such
Tuesday, January 12, 2010 at 1:24PM Seems I haven’t posted in a while. I recently got back from a trip. I was in Manhattan for 4 full day and 3 nights. It was the best 3 nights I had in so long. If my goals weren’t so attached to poker I would be planning a move to NY instead of Vegas. Going out is amazing up there, everything is just better. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had such an incredible time. Now I return “home” and I feel incredibly empty. The emptiness has been felt throughout my entire body since I boarded the bus late Sunday night to return. This emptiness is in the very pit of my stomach at this moment, as I type this sentence. I’m not sure if the empty feeling inside me is depression or induced by the massive amounts of partying from over the weekend. I think it’s a combination of both. Though I slept 11 hours last night and it’s still there. This leads me to think a mild depression is a more feasible explanation.
The main reason for going away was to see my brothers because it’s been so long since I have caught up with them up there. My younger brother and his friends are completely lost in the Manhattan scene, and I mean how you could not be! I’m not sure how people survive and achieve their goals properly up there. If I lived there I don’t know how I would be able to resist the temptation of going out every single night. I guess a serious job or a somewhat serious relationship would balance it. My little brother and most of his friends are students, so they have in a way not entered the “real world”. And I have a feeling some of them will never enter the “real world”. By real world, I mean what’s a normal life for most people. In some social pockets a normal life doesn’t exist up there. This is not bad, it’s amazing. They have it made, fuck a normal life.
In a way I think it is extremely dangerous for me to visit NY frequently or for an extended period of time. It’s dangerous in part because of my relationship with my older brother. My older brother has achieved such incredible success. To be so financially successful in your late 20’s is unheard of; he is one in a million. He could retire and never work another day in his life if he actually wanted to. The problem is it’s hard for me to accept that I will never be involved with him or his company in any way.
I see everything that he has achieved, and it sometimes makes me feel like a lesser person for not being close to it. I also realize I will never be as successful as him financially, that's the way it is. However, I wouldn't feel like that if I never experienced the success first hand. If I never went up to visit him in my life I would probably be a happier person, but a less driven person. Also, I’m not sure I will ever be completely “over” not being involved, it hurts. Although I can say I’m closer to being over it than I ever have been. Not completely, but maybe 95%. To have a brother you’re so close to your entire life just abandon you in that respect is completely ridiculous. I mean if I was in the same situation and my brother asked me years ago “I really want to be involved, please let me know if any opportunities EVER develop where you could benefit from my skill-set.” I wouldn’t just respond: “oh we are kind-of only looking for programmers right now (and never mention it again)”. If he really wanted me involved he would have made an effort to include me many years ago.
Then I see him hire someone with an absurd salary in relation to his qualifications, and only because he was a somewhat close friend. But fuck it I'm suppposed to understand right? My brother who I thought I was so close too my entire life wouldn’t hire me as a janitor if he was a billionaire, and I’ve never completely grasped it. The best explanation he has ever given me is “I wouldn’t hire someone I can’t fire”. Which is somewhat bullshit, but at least it was better than nothing. I think I only brought my feelings up to him DIRECTLY one time in my life, and that was his best explanation.
In his defense he has absolutely earned everything he has. It’s not his obligation to get me involved with his company. Besides, it can be dangerous combining family with business. If something goes wrong it’s certainly a lot of stress. Another thing is maybe he wants me to find my own way completely on my own, but he has never said that so now I’m just rambling and thinking of justifications.
As for my younger brother, he’s in one of the top art schools in the world. I have really grown much closer to him since he moved. He has been amazing to me, and has encouraged me to come up and visit whenever I want. This is the opposite of my older brother, who’s always too busy, and I always feel like I’m just an annoyance when I try to coordinate or plan something with him. Even know the past weekend was the first time I visited in nearly 5 months, so I don't think its fair for me to feel like I'm an annoyance in anyway. Before that I don’t even remember the last time I visited. This time was different in that I hung out with my younger brother pretty much the entire time. I had a quick dinner and two drinks one night with the older brother, and that was it.
This is completely fine. When I plan trips to NY from now on I will just coordinate with my younger brother. He seems to really love my company and we have an awesome time. I don’t want to feel like I’m really going out of my way to spend time if someone doesn’t 100% actually WANT to see me.
To complicate life more I was becoming close to a girl over the weekend. I stayed at her place a night and things got crazy. That entire situation was hilarious. I wish I could share everything, but some of it is personal. I guess I have various levels of privacy: the public (which knows nothing about me), my friends (who basically know nothing about me), a few very close people (who know a little), this blog as Baglife (which knows way too much), and the final level is ONLY me. Anyways, the girl is good friends with my younger brother, and he told me the last time I visited that she was really into me. She was really pushing things that trip, but I didn’t pursue it for a few reasons. This time around it was the exact same situation; only I was attracted to her more and completely gave in. I CAVED. I’m going to try to not get into every little detail, but we hooked up and I slept over at her place one of the nights. I also took her to brunch twice, watched a movie during the day once in her bed, and spent a lot of time one-on-one with her.
I’m not sure what it all meant to her, but it meant a lot to me. From reading this blog you may think I’m in contact with a lot of girls, but I rarely EVER hook up with them. Yeah I’m always getting numbers and all when I go out, but I never really pursue it or expect it to lead into anything. Well this girl unfortunately reminded me of many of the things I miss about being in a relationship (DAMNIT FML). How fulfilling it feels to be with an attractive girl knowing that she’s only thinking about you (which is of course bullshit, but in a relationship you can at least trick yourself into thinking 90% of her romantic thoughts are about you especially when you’re hanging out). How innocent it can be just laying there watching a movie, or holding hands walking around the street, or just going spending the majority of the night just making out with that person in public (leaving everyone else to only wonder). If I miss anything about a relationship it’s the innocent things that people take for granted, not hard core sex. I miss the innocent things.
This girl is a total hipster, but to me it’s in a cool not ridiculous way. She seems to be absolutely tied to the scene up there, it’s not good or bad it just is. For example, she talked about maybe being worried about rent next month, but goes out at night wearing $400+ shoes. She has a lot of different sides to her. She can be a raging party-animal blowout, but then I take her out and have conversations with her and she’s a really smart girl. She also has an element of deep to her. She has a sweet relationship side-like type to her; I think she just hides it from most people. What I mean here is hard to explain. By “relationship-like” side I don’t mean she is looking for a relationship, I mean the romantic involvement with guys (or me at least?) seems to mean something to her based on her actions. Like the day we just cuddled and watched a movie, which makes me think the involvement means a little more to her. It probably didn’t mean as much to her as it meant to me, but that’s anyone’s guess. At least I did a good job of hiding that it sort-of meant something. My brother warned me she is promiscuous, but insisted how so into me she was which confused me. So if she gets around is she THAT into the other guys? It’s my guess that she isn’t really as promiscuous as he makes her out to be. She’s an enormous flirt (not as much around me), but so am I. However, I almost never hook up with people. I’m sure she does much more than me, but who doesn’t. Most people thrive on raw physical attraction more than I do, it’s NORMAL. I’m the odd-ball here, trying to suppress it most of the time. She really likes it and she’s cute so she can get it.
Anyways she already told me to let her know when I want to visit again. I really like her. I think she’s attractive and has something more. I wouldn’t mind going up to visit in a week or two, which I might do. I'm going to feel the situation out some before deciding to go up again soon. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I guess it seems like it could develop into something good. I’m not looking for a relationship, but I am looking for a little something more than a hook-up. This seems to be like it could be that little something more. Then again, I might be misreading the situation. Maybe it doesn’t mean as much to her, maybe it’s just a random hook-up. But I’m going to use logic here a minute:
A) Her and my little bro are CLOSE. They are close going out buddies. This leads me to think she wouldn’t get involved with me unless she really liked me. She probably wouldn’t want to screw things up with my bro. Unless she’s a total bitch and doesn’t care about any of that.
B) She showed strong interest 5 months ago, and nothing changed when I visited over the past weekend.
C) Why would she invite a random hook-up to let her know when he wants to visit again? That doesn’t make any sense. She’s a pretty girl; she could have thousands of attractive guys living in N.Y as a random hook-up. She doesn’t need one from out of state to come visit her.
Plus when I visit I would be visiting my family and having an AWESOME time in one of the coolest cities in the world. So it’s not like it could be a complete waste if she didn’t happen to be that into me. I think like most interactions with girls it is important to act like I don’t care so much, even know I really do care. I have this fear that if a girl knows I really care she will instinctively take that knowledge and use it to her advantage to destroy me.
....... as you can see I have trust issues.
Oh another thing, this is embarrassing. I let her hold onto my one CHAMPIONSHIP RING I won during my college years. She liked wearing it. I mean it started out when we were flirting and she asked about it and I was like "go ahead and you can wear it, it's alllll gooood." Then eventually I just decided to let her hang onto it. Every time I asked about it when I was leaving she seemed like she would have been so disappointed to give it back. So I guess I have to come back to NY sometime, even if I don't want too lol. I'm not sure why it amused me to put my most prized possession in danger. It's probably more important to me then my college diploma. I'm an incredibly sick mother fucker.
It's an impossible risk, blind faith in a near stranger. Maybe the gambler in me is coming out here. I won't be so happy if she takes a turn for the worst and LAUNCHES THE RING INTO THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM. I guess a NY sewer would be equivalent to Mount Doom, the ring would disintegrate just the same. If she happened to stumble upon this blog post I bet that ring would be toast. It's a good thing I told basically no one who knows me in real life about this blog. But now I'm crossing the line because the reference of the ring is blatantly obvious. If someone who knew me well in real life read this post they would know it's me because of the ring reference. However, it's still a less than .01% chance. Guess I'm gambling in that respect as well. Good thing I haven't told anyone about this blog. I showed my older brother BRIEFLY, but he didn't take down the address or anything.
I’m not sure about the depressed feeling I mentioned in the opening paragraph. I think a lot of different variables are contributing to it. Like leaving my brothers who I feel more at place hanging out with then anyone I know around here. Or getting kind-of close to a girl like an idiot when I damn well knew I would be leaving in the next day or so. Or just thinking about how far I am from accomplishing what I need to make me feel contempt. Maybe the prospect of grinding away unhappy in an office for a few weeks. Plus the massive amounts of drinking in 4 days could have had a negative impact on my psychological state, maybe it’s WITHDRAWAL. I’m going to the gym at least twice this week; it should make me feel better. I feel like shit when I’m not active enough and party to much.
Well it felt great getting some thoughts out even if no one reads the friggin’ book I just wrote. Today it’s back to corporate for me, cheers to wasting time! I’m very happy I have this blog to help me piece together my mess of a life.
-bag
Reader Comments (5)
Bag --
To me, your analysis of your feelings are dead on. It is probably a portion of "withdrawal", but probably majority feelings of depression rooted from: A) Leaving your brother who you are close with; B)Leaving a girl who you connected with; C)Heading back home where you are unhappy with your job; and whatever else there might be going on.
I, too, am close with my brother. He and I chat regularly through either e-mail, IM, or the phone. But much like yours, he casts a very large shadow over me...he also shows no mercy or signs of guilt when he throws his successes in my face and talks to me about "things I can do better."
You are doing the only thing you can do. You are CHANGING your life & your surroundings because it's something that you want to do -- not because others are pressuring you to do something. In fact, you are pushing back against what people want you to by choosing this new direction. Do you have any feelings of guilt? If so, it might be another cause to your sour-mood.
Again, can't say it enough, kudos to you.
about your older brother: congratulate him, wish him well. remember that a great life isnt measured in how much wealth you accumulate, its how much of a positive impact you have on others. the hook-up was random to her if she didnt made any attempt to see you again when you left. just show up unplanned to visit your younger bro one of these weekend and you will probably see her with someone else. and if that happens, dont be the pathetic ex-hookup. play it cool. youre on your way to greatness someday.
Yo,
Apologies for the semi-depressing post. I usually strive to not be be like that, it just all really came out after that weekend for some reason. Reading back at least I tried to mix humor in with the ring haha. I'm still up and down, but feeling overall better today.
Silver,
My brother really doesn't throw his successes in my face or anything, he's not like that with me. I really am happy that at least one of us made it huge. My brother is brilliant, it would be hard for me to question anything he says (I don't question him) and I really value the support and some of the guidance he gives me. He is the most important person in my life who supports my plans to move to Vegas. Without his support I don't know if I would have the strength. It's fine being disowned by the parents a while, but at least I will have him as a parent-like figure. I had a tough time not being involved with his business in anyway, but I've done a good job of keeping it to myself the last 5 years. I feel selfish when I even think like that, that's his shit, it's not his obligation to help me out like that. Even if I worked for him I wouldn't truly be happy. But I would sure as hell be happier committing my soul to his cause then some bullshit corporation.
Blog,
Life really isn't about wealth accumulation agreed. Well when I left I went back home a few states away. But she texted me "let me know when you want to come back?" about 30 minutes after i left Sunday. She also expressed interest in another text that she would like me to come back soon. I'd like it to not be completely random, but I was a little carried away when I wrote the original post.
Let's be honest, it's a random hook-up until STRONGLY proven otherwise. The evidence so far is slightly promising, but NOT strong enough.
It's been since summer since I had something like that and it brought back a few annoying feelings. If you break it down it's probably not specifically because of her, it's the feeling of connection (which I trained myself to live without, and think about rarely). All I can do is step back now and keep the contact minimal. I already have to assume she has or will keep other hookups. I'm not sure if I can deal with that even if I ended up getting into a casual type thing (coming up every 2-3 weeks). I would never be pathetic if she rubbed something in my face like that, I'll just be absolutely done with that. NY is not the place to get bent out of shape with something like that. I seem to have great success meeting and talking to new people up there.
- As for changing my mood I'm going to seriously start applying to tons of different jobs around MD and Vegas the next few weeks. This might cut into poker, but I think it would be worth it to switch jobs around here even for the time I remain in state (Screw making my resume look good). I'm so fed up with my current job I'm not sure I can stand the thought of sticking with it for 2-4 more months. I'm that unhappy with the current job. It seems to be worth damaging my resume to receive even equal pay somewhere else.
-bag
Mate,
All I can say is to keep following your heart. Your analysis of everything going on your life is totally spot on, in my view.
Sounds to me like this girl is into you. If you do go for surprise visit and find her hooking up with someone else, I wouldn't read too much into that either, because she may be thinking that there's no chance with you because of the distance.
The only way to find out what she really thinks is to talk to her... but you'll know when it's the right time to do that.
Good luck and keep blogging... I read a lot of blogs but enjoy none more than this one
Laz,
I missed your last comment here, sorry for the late response. Hope all is well. Going to begin checking logs regularly so I don't miss comments on older posts. A lot of them are still very much relevant to me. Like this one. I haven't forgot about what happened in N.Y, but I have very much stepped back on the situation. I think she likes me, but I think we both know there would never be a chance of it working out. It wouldn't be fair for me to be concerned about her hooking up with someone else unless I wanted to commit to her. I don't see how that's even possible or happening so I'm not sure what I'm bitching about, it is what it is. I can't have it both ways.
It's crazy its already been over 3 weeks now since I've been up (1st weekend after I deep down wondered why she didn't call me the entire weekend, 2nd weekend bailed on NY and went to Atlantic City (she wasn't showing the passion to see me that I wanted and it wasn't great timing for my brothers), and the past weekend I stayed in and played poker online.
Yet it's still pretty fresh in my mind. I just get good at training myself to forget about certain things. Time absolutely flys, I really don't understand it. Looking to plan a trip to NY this weekend or the next. Will try to coordinate with my brothers. Maybe even get my ring back.
-bag