Terribly Distracted and Unmotivated (1.18.2010)
Monday, January 18, 2010 at 10:16AM It’s Monday again; a day where I have to get increasingly creative with regards to what I have to look forward to. During the beginning of last week I stayed decently focused. Then Thursday-Saturday I went out pretty much every night, even though I had to work a full day Saturday. The full mandatory day wasn’t because we were really busy or behind on work. My boss just wanted to make our department look good to everyone else with a big project push looming, so he decided to force us to come in. The situation disgusted me. I won’t dig into it, but it’s not like I’m surprised at this point.
The main reason I have been going out so much is to really keep my mind socially occupied, and forget about the girl I met in NY. It’s a vicious cycle I’m beginning to fall into, but at least I had the balls to not contact her over the weekend.
I don’t really remember being in a situation like this before, it’s very strange. You could probably browse a thousand dating sites and articles and not see anything comparable. Dating advice usually talks about how you can get yourself in a position to hook up with a girl, not what to do once you’ve already hooked up in a crazy unexpected fury. After that I guess it's just expected you commit? You can find plenty of advice on the first few dates and keeping interest level, or advice about the full-blown relationship. But the in-between phase seems to be uncharted territory for most. The problem is my “relationships” or “interactions” during the past year only seem to exist within the uncharted territory that makes no sense to most people. It’s either get fucking married already or go random-hookup mode. Can’t there be an acceptable in-between?
A logical being would ask what the hell I am exactly having trouble with here? She is really pretty and there doesn’t seem to be any strings attached. Isn’t that the American dream or something? Shame I’m not like that, sometimes I really wish I was. To me there is always “strings attached” when I get involved with someone because I genuinely care about them, or I wouldn’t have even got involved in the first place. If I go on a date and I'm not completely into it I immediately cut the interaction off, I don't use the person for a hook-up. In a way I somewhat want strings attached. Yes I want girls I spend my time on to actually care about me beyond the realms of physical attraction. I would even want to feel comfortable if I wanted to call a girl I hook-up with to discuss a problem. If I feel I need someone to be there for me, I want to feel comfortable sharing my problems with that girl. She should at least pretend to care about my life, and I give her that same respect.
I’ve never completely hooked-up with someone and spent an entire weekend with them, only to feel like I’m forced to play games to this degree. I feel like I only took this girl on a first date, we haven’t even kissed, and I don’t want to give up control. I still need to play my cards right. In a non-fucked up world I could have texted her over the weekend showing that I missed her, if I was younger that’s what I would have done ("ok we hooked up, she liked me, and I like her. I'm going to say hi!"), but experience has taught me that would have been the 100% incorrect move. In a normal universe it would seem reasonable to tell someone you miss them after a connection like that, but in today’s world you’re somehow a complete loser if you even think like that. But it’s ridiculous because I’ve already hooked up with her, for that matter she fucked me. I really wasn’t the one pushing it. Shouldn’t the circumstances at hand eradicate the “I don’t want to call her too soon or show her I’m thinking about her” games? Maybe the games are all in my head. Maybe she was just busy this past weekend (yeah right). Perhaps she was having so much fun that she didn’t even think to text me or whatever (fun with another guy or ex). Or maybe since I’m not in town, she figures there was no point to get in contact with me. For that matter, maybe she is incapable of having a level of connection with me that I need when getting involved with someone. Maybe she’s just a whore; her interactions with guys mean very little beyond the physical level. But everyone is different; you really can’t be 100% sure what someone is thinking.
One of my friends once compared me to “E” on Entourage. However, I don’t even expect to get into a serious relationship, that wouldn’t even make sense based on my goals. So I’m a fucked up hybrid of E lol?
Anyways I’m planning to set something up with one of my brothers and contacting the girl today or tomorrow. I’ll say something about how I’m thinking about visiting NY, and asking if she may happen to be around the upcoming weekend. I think that is the best way to approach this situation, it’s important to gauge her response correctly as well. If don’t get a good vibe then I’m most likely not going to travel up there.
Anyways, this mess is completely taking away from poker and everything else which is terrible. It’s having a downward spiraling snowball effect into other areas of my life, which has got to stop immediately. When I play online I’ve been playing $2.20 180 turbos, which is a complete crap shoot. I’m trying to get the hang of playing about 12 tables at once so I can put the volume in, but in a lesser amount of time.
I have no idea what is going to happen this upcoming weekend, or if I will even end up going to NY. It should be interesting how this plays out. Monday-Wednesday this week I want to focus on working out, sending out my resume to jobs in Vegas, and a few poker sessions here and there.
I’ve decided it’s at least wise to test out the job market in Vegas. If I could line something up that pays even 30-40k a year that is more than enough to start. If I’m over-qualified I really don’t care, I just want to set something up that helps smooth the transition. If I get out there and don’t like the job I can quit whenever and hopefully play poker full time. It’s going to be impossible enough pulling this move off, I think it’s important to have something stable in Vegas to fall back on at first. Then I could just play cards on the weekends until I’m comfortable quitting. Also my one friend bailed on the moving idea, so I’m going to be alone. He’d rather spend the summer at a local beach town and try to find a terrible Russian girl to marry him or whatever. The kid is a complete idiot and I expected being on my own, so whatever. He would have been more baggage then he is worth. Hopefully he finds what he’s looking for (A foreign girl student on a work exchange program who is stupid enough to use him for the money that he doesn’t even have. Or use him for the Visa required to stay in the U.S. Hopefully he will at least have some good sex until he gets completely screwed over. He can’t get a better looking girl “legit”, so I can’t blame him in that respect.)
I should know if I’m going out of town by Tuesday-Wednesday. If I end up staying in town I will most certainly go out Thursday hard-core to get my mind off shit that I really shouldn’t be caring about in the first place. Cheers to that.
-bag or “E”
Reader Comments (3)
totally E. gg ul.
Bags, free your mind from these distractions. If you go to Vegas and try to make it without the focus required to be successful, it will be a disaster. Remember, we are all our own worst enemies. You know your own strengths and weaknesses better than anyone. Work on your self control. I also recommend playing in smaller fields. If you are going to grind it out in Vegas, you will be playing mostly 9 and 10 handed cash games and smaller field tourneys.
Hope all goes well - that was quite a story!!