Supernova Hit! + Weekend Plans (7.28.2010)

Last night on an otherwise uneventful Tuesday I hit Supernova around 11:00 p.m.  I’m not bouncing off the walls with excitement because I’ve still lost money during my crazy blood-lust to hit this status.  From here on out I want it all to be about building a solid win-rate.  I’m not going to be afraid to cut back tables if things aren’t going exactly the way I want them to go.  I have the SN status until next year which is good; I’m no longer forced to make a monthly VPP quota to maintain status.  Also next year I believe I can keep the status as long as I earn 10k VPPs per month.  I also hit SN just in time for a million dollar quarter-yearly free-roll on August 7^th.  SN’s can enter for free without having to even qualify.

Once I clear about 9,000 more FPPS I will have enough to purchase and clear a $1,500 SN cash bonus.  Next month I want to clear this bonus if comfortable, deposit $600 more, and play at least break even.  This would theoretically give me 102 buy ins for the stakes I’m playing.  I’m not sure if it’s going to be enough to 12-table, but that would be a damn nice start.  So far with the full buy in I very rarely see myself losing an entire $50 buy in.  When I have lost a buy in during the past 10 hours of play it’s been with me all-in with a dominating 75%+ equity situation and losing (the usual).

Last night at the peak I was playing around 12 tables full buy in at once.  I finished up around $30-$40 even know things really didn’t go my way and I ran –EV.  I’m enjoying full buy in so far and like my game-plan going forward.

This weekend I booked a hotel about 10 minutes from Atlantic City for Friday and Saturday night.  I will be going to check out some places and see if I would be compatible with this kid I’m thinking about rooming with.  For the end of this month it seems my focus will revert back to live poker.  I’ll most likely stick to the pathetic 200NL tables and just grind a good 15 hours or so.  If things are going really well I may go up to 2-4.  I’ll be playing 200NL at least until I make enough to cover what I paid on the hotel and gas.  If I don’t cover it I would be embarrassed, but I always assume the worst.  Not sure what casinos I will be playing at yet.  The Borgata is awesome, but I’m thinking about bouncing around the slums of the Trop and Taj.  The problem with the Borgata is you don’t have flexibility with table selection.  Low limits should never suck on the weekends, but if a table is bad I like the ability to get up and walk across the street to another casino.  I’ve had to do this before.  I will bring my laptop and try to put in a live update while I’m out of town.  I will be traveling alone which sucks in a way, but it should help me keep focused.  If I brought a friend(s) I’d have to go out and binge drink at least one night which I wasn’t in the mood for.  Drinks Thursday; live poker Friday-Sunday. 

-bag

Full Buy In, 99% to Supernova, and Weekend Plans

Let's With Pokerage:

I unexpectedly kicked things off last night and dropped to full buy in.  I was only going to do an hour, but I was having fun so I put in a session from 12:00 a.m- 3:30 a.m  I kept it to 6-8 tables at 100 NL.  Let me say I felt EXTREMELY comfortable and absolutely retarded for not taking this path earlier.  IT WAS ACTUALLY ENJOYABLE!  Going forward I'm going to at least feel out full buy in for the remainder of the month.  I think it really plays to my strengths and I'm more of a full buy in player.  I discussed all the reasoning behind my decision to switch from short stacking for now here: !!.  I apologize for putting posts up so fast.  If anyone has any input on my decision to drop to full buy in please let me know, feedback is always awesome.

I'm going to stop focusing on clearing statuses and bonuses, and make sure my game is at a point where I'm hitting a solid win-rate.  This is what poker is all about.  My attempt to take a short cut escape with short-stacking was commendable in theory, but failed.  It wasn't self sustaining.  I thought it would be easy to play break even and I could quit my day job with ease.  I was quite wrong.  Maybe if I ran better I could have, but I'm not going to dwell on things I can't change.  Besides, things would have caught up with me eventually anyways.  It was always my goal to eventually drop to full buy in once I built up a good status and bankroll.  Well now I have the Nova status and I'm going to make sure I invest where necessary to play 100NL comfortably.

Part of the reason I wanted to short-stack was lower variance with higher rake-back.  But -$600 last weekend?  Fuck that.  That is 10 full-stack buy ins.  How in the hell would I even lose 10 full stack buy ins like that in 6 hours?  I just don't even see the variance reasoning anymore.  You are flipping $20 stacks like fricking crazy, it adds up very quickly.  I now think there's a lot more variance short-stacking despite the lesser buy-in.  I don't care if I ran really bad during the last weekend, it was a wake-up call.  To put the time in that I have and still worry about losing $500 in 6 hours is just unacceptable to me.  I haven't come close to winning $500 short-stacking in the past 4 months in any session during 6 hours, so it just wasn't adding up anymore.

I played the 6-8 tables at once last night very comfortably.  The action seemed to be moving sort of slow compared to what I'm used to, even with fast tables mixed in.  For the 4 hours I gained around 300 VPPs.  If I short-stacked 12-16 tables I probably would have gained 600 VPPs during the same time frame.  So that isn't really a huge difference.  Also this will give me the ability to focus on improving my game more.  It will also allow me to play longer sessions with an increased focus and intensity.  It's easy to burn-out playing 16 tables in even 3 hours spans, but not 8 tables during that same span.

That being said I ran inhumanely bad last night.  Two enormous pots were lost to two outers getting all in pre with rockets.  It's good to see that some things never change I guess?  No matter what format I get involved in I will never have a normal session, that's just something I have to accept.  These hands pretty much sealed my fate:

AA < 99 all in pre -$70

RIVER NINE. Seriously?  I could absolutely kill this prick.  It's a short-stacking clone rewarded.  If I made that play with a short-stack during the past few months a gun would have came out of the monitor and blew my fucking head off.  A nine really?  You're going to award him right there?  bahaahha unreal.  FU poker.

AA < T9o and AKo off-suit all in pre -$100

The mother of tool-barns throws in a $38 all in 4-bet with T9 off pre and wins the hand turning a straight.  Good idea.  I guess that's what poker is all about, just jamming your money with any two cards against a rigged account.

KK < AK all in pre. -$80

AUTO ACE FLOP YOU KNOW IT.  Ok just end my life.

Despite all that bull-shit I only finished down -$60 for the session.  I picked up a lot of small pots and a $100 pot where an over-pair held.  I feel very confident with my choice and game going forward.  Cheers to getting in with 80% equity and losing!  That's my signature move baby!

Meanwhile I'm stupidly close to Supernova status, about 1,000 VPPs away.  I could probably clear that in less than 5 hours short-stacking, but I'm not going to right now.  There is absolutely no rush this month.  I already achieved platinum star, so it doesn't matter if I hit Supernova tommorow or July 31st, no difference at all.

And The Next Two Weekends:

I took off the next two Fridays from my day job: BOOM.  I'm going to the beach this weekend and I am so friggin excited: BIZ-AM.  I may leave Thursday night, I haven't decided yet.  Either Thursday night or Friday morning.  I'll come back Sunday I suppose.  I'd love to put in the time and hit Supernova before I leave, but I'm not sure if I will have the time.  I only got 3 hours of sleep last night and tonight I have to attend a happy hour after work because a friend I have worked with for 2.5 years sold his soul to corporate and decided to follow that path with a move to Houston.  Whatever makes you happy I guess?  He's been kissing everyone's ass for those 2.5 years so I guess this is the opportunity he was sucking up all along for.  He is one of my best friends at work, this isn't saying a lot but it's a shame he is leaving I guess.

Recap:  "Hey why don't you ditch all of your, friends, family, relationships, and any existing life you have outside of work.  Come to Houston and we will pay you 8k more per year!  Also you get GREAT EXPERIENCE with a great company.  Too bad no one outside of the industry will pay your stupid ass this amount.  So rest assured you will be completely stuck with us the rest of your life, unless you want to take a huge pay-cut and step back basically starting with another company at ground zero.  But we know you won't because money drives the herd, and you are a mother fucking cattle.  Don't worry though, you're safe with us until we feel like laying you off the save a few dollars." 

Anyways, the happy hour may run sort of late.  By the time I get home I'll probably be too tired to play poker since I didn't really sleep last night.

So Thursday night I'm either going to leave for the beach or put in the time to hit Supernova, and then leave.  I might even hit Supernova and then leave at 4:00 a.m or something ridiculous.  This way I could put in the 3 hour drive without traffic and wake up at the beach Friday which would be awesome.  It may be sort of stupid to cram in Supernova Thursday night, I'm really playing this by ear.  Like I said I could clear it playing Sunday night and next week.  Then again I'd rather be partying with friends and hitting on girls with the fact that I am A SUPERNOVA.  I'm just kidding around, but yeah it would give me a great reason to celebrate this weekend.  For the record I don't talk about poker with friends or family unless they specifically ask about it, I like to keep that life separate. 

Waking up at the beach Friday is essential.  I want to lay out some and perhaps walk around the boardwalk and hit on Russian girls sober before my idiot friends come into town.  So we will see.  THE DECISIONS TO BE MADE!

Then the weekend of the 30th I'm going to Atlantic City.  I'm going to check out places, perhaps meet my potential future roommate, and play a good amount of live poker.  I also may bring a friend or two and go clubbing Saturday night or something. 

Looking forward to the upcoming two weekends.  Also looking forward to becoming a monster and beating the living hell out of these stakes.  I'm ready for war.

-bag

Dropping to Full Buy In Analysis (7.20.2010)

I didn’t fall asleep until 4:00 a.m on Monday morning.  My sleep schedule was screwed up from the weekend and I was extremely restless thinking about my direction with poker.  I survived Monday in zombie mode on 3 hours of sleep, but I feel ok now.

Overview of Play

I’m really questioning my path online and want to lay things out here as much as I can.  I know I don’t have a profitable “playing style” in comparison to the elite short-stackers at my stakes.  I think I’m at a level going forward to play around break mass tabling in a variance free world.  However, my stats aren’t at a level where it would have been feasible for me to win .3BB/100- 1BB/100.  The big pots I lose are destroying me because I’m simply not winning enough small pots.  Perhaps this is why variance kills me to a point where I flip out and question my life (aka last weekend).  I don’t have enough that’s helping me make up for the variance and cover my losses (aka 3-betting higher, or increasing the VPIP and PFR enough).

Comparison of Different Styles (Short Stack)

By style I’m referring to VPIP, PFR, and 3-bet%.  Playing a different style from the “norm” will not necessarily kill you.  Your style should generally help play to your strengths.  However, if you vary drastically from the norm you have to recognize that you could be playing less than optimally.  For example, there is no amount of skill that is going to save your ass if you play a 30/20/10 style on a full ring micro-stakes game.

I have always been more of a nit player, I recognize this.  I like the idea of simply waiting a little longer to get in a dominating position based on hand strength alone.  It took me a lot of time and study to up my style to a level that is still completely nit even by full ring short stack standards.

Next I want to compare some styles to put things in perspective.  I want to compare some very solid short-stackers styles, then some full-ringers.  I also want to compare my style to cross reference.

Short-Stackers:

Regular 1)  3 million hands.  11.0/10.8/5.7.  Win-rate = 0.31 BB/100

Regular 2)  2 million hands.  11.5/10.9/5.8.  Win-rate = 0.25 BB/100

Regular 3)  1.3 million hands.  11.4/10.8/5.9.  Win-rate = 1.38 BB/100

Regular 4)  2 million hands.  13.5/11/6.  Win-rate= 0.72BB/100

Regular 5)  3 million hands.  9.8/8/5.  Loss rate= -.5BB/100

Regular 6)  4.2 million hands.  8.8/6/4.8.  Loss-rate = -0.16BB/100

What it Means?

Every known short-stacker who is consistently beating 100NL full ring on Stars has a shockingly similar style.  As shown above an 11/10.8/5.7 style is standard.  Notice every winning regular above had a 3-bet% of 5.7-6.0% in their millions of hands played.  Also, they all had a minimum VPIP of 11% with a PFR% of 10.8%-11.0%.  Math can be pretty sick wow.  Here we have regulars 1-3 playing millions of hands with nearly identical styles.  You will notice this with every short-stacker who has a rate of above .2BB/100 with tons of hands played.  Not sure where they all learned this identical 11/10.8/5.7 style, but these players in every sense of the word are: an army of fucking clones. 

Meanwhile, I’m around a 9.0/7.8/4 and I have to push myself hard to get my numbers that high.  I played on the last few months knowing I was tighter than optimal.  I thought I could make up for it with superior table selection.  I’ve also been mixing in a hybrid full stack strategy, which makes me tighter.  But I can’t find one short-stacker with comparable stats who solidly beats the game.  THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG! 

(INSERT RED FLAG HERE)

I found one known short-stack regular with a close style to what I’m playing right now.  He is regular 6 above: 8.8/6/4.8 lifetime.  He’s played over 4 million hands and has a loss-rate of -0.16BB/100.  Is that really the life I want to live during the next year or so?  Seriously?  The life I want to strive for?  I guess 4 million hands proves you can make a decent living doing it, certainly stressful as hell though.

My Options.

1)  JOIN THE ARMY OF CLONES?  Take a serious step back after hit Supernova in 9 more hours of play.  I need to drop tables and teach myself a style that is comparable to the army of clones if I want to continue short-stacking.  11/10.8/5.7

2)  Drop to full-buy in poker.  Start with $50 buy ins on 20-50BB 100NL tables and 40-100BB 50NL tables.

3)  Continue suffering along with a style that MIGHT yield break-even results in the long run.

It is important to note that I am at #3 as I type this sentence.  Unfortunately #3 is not an option; it just doesn’t make sense to me anymore.  I think rather than choice #1 I would actually be better off dropping to full buy in poker based on my strengths.

Advantages of Full Stack Poker

It seems if I’m going to cut back to ground zero with 1-4 tables until I figure out a style that is acceptable, full stack poker would be the logical choice for me.  I think I should go with full-stack as soon as possible for numerous reasons:

1)  Table Selection/Idiot-Jacking

This is really my bread and butter strength I think.  I’m awesome at table selecting and going after weak players.  And yes I’m coining the term “Idiot-Jacking”; I like it more than bum-hunting.  I haven’t heard anyone else use this term so I’ll just grab it right here.  The problem is that whenever I idiot-jack I usually have a short-stack and don’t win much.  It is my natural tendency to stay on a profitable table with weak players, that’s why I kept up with this hybrid short-stack BS even know NO ONE ELSE is doing it.  I’m sick of bailing on awesome tables because I have a short-stack.

2)  Mastery of One Format.

I wouldn’t be mixing short-stacking with a full-buy in strategy.  I should be sticking to one strategy until I get really good at it.  Even now I can’t fully analyze my stats because of the mix strategy.  I really have no one to compare my stats to because no one is playing a hybrid strategy.  It’s just not logical.  CHOOSE ARMY OF CLONES OR FULL STACK, NOW!

3)  I no longer have a 3-bet Leak

POOF just like that my 3-bet leak is gone.  No longer do I have to force myself to jam A7s in a marginal situation because it’s what the army of clones would do (ok fine because it’s a slightly EV play).  My current 3-bet of 4% is actually much better than the majority of full buy in players.  Forcing myself to 3-bet 5.7% (which I haven’t been able to do) is one of the things I despise when it comes to short-stacking. 

4)  I know how to exploit short-stack players at the 20-50 BB tables.

I would stick to 20-50 BB tables at 100NL at first.  I’m getting an increased rake-back and the action is great on these tables.  Not only can I hunt the fish, but I know how to exploit the short-stacking clones that I once considered joining.  I know the optimal push ranges based on the math.  I know when to re-steal them and make their lives miserable.  I’m already liking the sound of this.  Also I have reduced competition when I do run into super-fish.  It’s going to be me, one other full buy in regular, a few other fish, and short-stackers.  I’m liking my odds in this shit-show jungle.

5)  Less of a learning curve.

My stats at this moment are comparable to a nitty full stack strategy.  I think it makes sense improve my game a little with the reduced tables and work towards a higher potential win-rate.  One of the best full-ringers at my stakes has lifetime stats of 11.3/8.8/2.8 with an over 2BB/100 win-rate which is massive.  Currently I’m around 9.7/8/4 comfortably.  This really isn’t much of a difference.  My VPIP would naturally go up a percentage point as I gained more opportunities to stack people based on odds with low-pockets and such.  I’m not saying I’m better than the regular I’m comparing to, not even close.  The point is that an acceptable win-rate with my current stats is feasible playing full buy in, even with minor adjustments.  In contrast, an acceptable win-rate with my current stats is not feasible playing a short-stack based on the evidence I've gathered.

6)  I will be a stronger live player.

Yes I’m moving around Atlantic City to play poker for a living.  I don’t think I’m going to enter a game at the Borgata with a short-stack.  This is a problem I did not consider.  It would seem illogical to be grinding online with a short-stack, but then chasing live games with a full one.  Fix the problem and choose the full buy in strategy.

Some full ringer styles on my stakes:

Regular 1)  3 million hands.  11.3/8.8/2.8 (2.5 BB/100)

Regular 2)  1 million hands.  10/8/3 (0.63 BB/100)

Regular 3)  (8k hands mined at your tables).  9.3/7/3.3 (1.87 BB/100)

ME)  9.7/8/4 (Right now with no adjustments)

Conclusion: Full Stack

Why train myself to join the army of clones for a potential 0.30 BB/100 win-rate (if I MASTER the format)?  I could be a non-elite full buy in poker player and still have a rate of 0.50 BB/100.  Even right now, with my stats I could still have a win-rate of 0.50 BB/100.  Besides, will short-stacking even be around next year?  Therefore, I think it’s necessary that I begin working towards a full buy in strategy immediately.  I’ve learned a ton short-stacking and don’t feel like I’ve wasted time.  I don’t mind using the short-stack to play 16 tables at once to clear bonuses, but not for a full-time career.  It's going to take some time dropping back to 4 tables are regrouping, but this is a good time to do it.  My summer is already over, I'm not at a level where I can short-stack and make more than my day job, so I'm stuck in corporate another month at least.  Also my course is set to move to AC area by October, so I'm not pressured to make online self-sustaining in a week or two.  This is a good time to make the change.

I leave you with some key characters to help bring this post to life:

Baglife:

The Red Flag:

The Army of Short-Stack Clones:

-lol bag

Weekly Goals: How Did I Do? (7.19.2010)

Put in 9 more hours today.  The last 6 hours things stabilized somewhat and I only lost -$48 total, only -$8 the last 3 hours.  Have no idea how I had the confidence to even return after the nightmare Saturday where I border-line lost my mind.  This was a very bad weekend on the tables, the most disappointing loss wise so far.  Below are the goals I wanted to accomplish from 7/12-7/19:

(By the start of next Monday I would have liked to:)

1)  Completed all 5 days at the day job last week.  Just do it, just another check for future plans.

CHECK, ALL 5 OF EM!

2)  Worked out at least twice in addition to tennis.

Check.  Played tennis once and worked out twice.  Even know the work-out Saturday was pretty lame, still counts.

3)  Cleared at least 5,000 more VPPs.

Almost.  Cleared 4,800.  However, I put in more time studying so I'm fine with that.  Too bad I still lost over $700.  All the hard work doesn't always pay off.

4)  Looked at rent prices in Brigantine during the week.  Get a feel for the cost.

Check here.  I spent a good amount of time doing this and have a good feel for the cost.  I'm planning on making a trip to AC and checking out places the last weekend of this month.  I'll also be playing some live poker.  Oh I've been talking to someone who may be interested in moving to Brigantine and sharing the costs on a rental.  He is sort of in the same situation and sounds promising.  I'm a little skeptical because he's just turning 21 years old.  Apparently he grinded up a few hundred thousand dollars and lost most of it.  I'm not sure he sounds alright though.  It seems he knows he has to now live modestly and grind up playing full ring again.  He pissed most of it away on high stakes, sports betting, etc, etc.  I told him I'm checking out places the end of the month and he seems ok with that.  However, I'd still have to actually meet him in person to be completely sure.

5)  Scheduled a vacation.  For the weekend of the 23^rd, 30th, or Aug 6th.  I need something to look forward to.

This is in the works.  I'll figure this out in a few days.

6)  Resumed and completed some sweat session studies.

Complete.  Put in some great work with some optimal push range analysis.  I feel I'm at a very advanced level right now.  Even if I'm not hitting certain spots 3-betting preflop, I am seeing situations and knowing what the EV play is.  Sometimes I avoid the EV play because of variance.

7)  Deposited the next $600 installment online.  That will be $1,800 out of the 3,000 total I wanted to get in this month.

Check.  That $600 DID NOT last long.  Fuck you Saturday night.

8)  Not drank or gone out wasting a night.  I had enough fun last weekend; it’s time to get focused for a week.

I did a decent job here.  I hung out with a friend Thursday night and got hammered, but stayed in the entire weekend, which is tough to do.

9)  Come really close to hitting Supernova.

Check.  I'm pretty damn close.  98.5% there.  I offically need 1,440 more VPPs.  Should be able to hit it with about 9 more hours of play.

10)  Ran EV for one fucking session during the last week.  Just ONE please.

Check.  1 out of 8 sessions I ran EV!  Wednesday night I had a session where I ran +EV for 3 hours and won $90.  Every other session I ran -EV and lost.  So as the average poker player runs positive EV 4 times, and  negative EV 4 times, I incredibly continue to run negative 7 out of 8 times.

Despite my massive downswing I did well on hitting my weekly goals.  After Saturday it took a lot of discipline to come back and play all day Sunday.  Obviously I most likely will not make a list like this every week, but it's not a bad idea when I feel like I'm losing focus.  Will update soon.

Oh it's kinda crazy I wrote this sober:

http://bit.ly/978M6f

I didn't re-read yet, but I'm sure it's EMO and I beat myself up pretty bad.  Most of what I wrote stemmed from: A) running the worst I ever have for 6 hours straight and B) The fact that I wanted to be playing full time for a decent profit by now and I just haven't got there yet online.  Then again what I wrote probably has some valid points.  This probably could have all been avoided if I just didn't log back on after the first 3 hours of Saturday.  It's extremely tough because I set aside certain times and I feel I have to commit them to poker even if things aren't going well.  If I put a weekend aside for poker it's hard to just take off after only playing 3 hours on Saturday even know I was really rattled.  I just don't have the time to commit solid hours during the week with the day job.  Hmm maybe that is a good thing.   

-bag

All Time Low: You Question Your Sanity (7.18.2010)

Around 4:50 a.m an eerie calm settles over me.  I realize I will never win.  I realize the 13 buy ins I just swung under EV in the last 3 hours will never be reclaimed.   All I could do was stare in disbelief as I got all of my chips in with the best of it again again and again only to be sucked out brutally each time.  Or to lose another unescapable coin-flip.  Or to be dominnated by the top end of a superior holding.  And sometimes I really question why I even torture myself like this.  To think that my luck has been so incredibly bad that the odds are now stacked against me heavily.  Stacked against me to even balance out in my lifetime muchless a few months.  You consider that perhaps you are that 1% that has hit the bottom end of a downswing so bad that you have been utterly defeated by variance.

As the opponent drags another pot you rewind the action in your head.  He shoved his stack on the flop over-betting with a gutshot draw and hit despite your large re-raise.  There is nothing to analyze.  You wonder if your opponent is even human.  Is a monkey sitting behind a computer somewhere just jamming keys and hoping for the best?  Has anyone else in the history of the universe ran like this?  You know anyone who has cut their losses and quit long ago.  Are you some sort of fucked up case study?  Perhaps the over-lords of the poker site are sitting around in a room somewhere laughing at you:  “Oh wow Bill look at this IDIOT can you believe he’s still playing?”

“Dude dude, let’s deal him AA and have it cracked by another 6T gut-shot, he won’t keep playing, it’s impossible”

Deep down you now realize that you aren’t actually “right” in the head.  For that matter, you never have been right.  For the past 6 months you have sacrificed everything and have nothing to show for it.  Sure you have improved drastically.  You have no doubt that if you moved away and played live you could earn at least what you do at your day job starting out (which you still plan to do).  But you actually have a nice loss online to show for it.  You have dropped off the face of the Earth.  Half of your friends will rightfully probably never even speak to you again.  Your dating life has been border-line non-existent.  For sure “you don’t have the time”.   Though in the back of your mind you wonder if it’s even possible to find a girl that would ever be willing to follow you, considering the path that you plan to pursue.  For some reason you don’t care. 

You tell yourself corporate is the enemy, in your mind it always has been.  But without corporate poker would have already failed a long time ago.  You would have no money to invest.  You blindly still choose the one path where you truly are “completely on your own” in every way.  You have the luxury of knowing some very successful people who are close to you.  But this is the one path they would never understand or support.  Any other path and you would be guaranteed success. 

The commitment on top of your day job alone continues to be brutal.  The hours of study have been never ending.  Your summer is basically gone.  Your dreams of escaping and earning your freedom are gone for the moment.  The beautiful Russian girl you could have met at the beach is dating someone else.  You have no one to blame but yourself.  This was your only chance out.  At least you tried, I suppose that means something.  You really did give it your best shot.  And despite the war you continue losing you remain defiantly committed.

You keep telling yourself that poker isn’t about the money when things don’t go well.  It’s about making the correct decisions hundreds of thousands of times.  And when the dust clears making all of those correct decisions will have paid off.  But you haven’t considered:  what if it never pays off.  Mathematically speaking you could theoretically make the correct decision 900 times and still lose 800 of them.  You aren’t a casino with an unlimited bankroll.

And you tell yourself that you could get out whenever you want.  But the scary truth is that there isn’t a stop point in the near future.  You have somehow convinced yourself that your life must revolve around making it work.  Every dollar you can scrape out of your day job during the next month or so you will continue to throw on virtual tables in the hopes that it all reaches a point of self-sustaining.  In hopes that what you're passionate about can materialize into something meaningful.  Then you can escape the horrors of corporate.  Then you can live the life you want and be your own man.  You see it as a necessary investment.  Is there really an initial price on giving yourself a chance to live with with a daily freedom and purpose that is acceptable to you?

Your pride could ultimately prevent you from choosing another path until you have hit rock bottom.  Perhaps you deserve to hit rock bottom.  Maybe you need to have absolutely nothing to your name to understand how fortunate you really were/are.  Then again if there is a time to hit rock bottom in your life it would be now.  No one said this would be easy.

The clock approaches 5:30 a.m as you decide to log.  You aren’t tilting or really tired for that matter.  It seems the action has slowed.  As usual a wave of fools have sucked out your money during the past few hours, distributed it around the tables to other regulars and gone bust.  Such is the way of your life.  Perhaps you should have just gone out for drinks tonight.  Perhaps you should have just gone out for drinks every weekend during the past 6 months.

Before you can log your AA on table 8 is pathetically drilled as a 9T offsuit all in preflop turns trip nines.  As if you haven’t suffered enough.  Not even in the last rotation before the blinds hit can you find any sort of solace, there is no balance.  In the past 12 hours you have lost on the tables about what you made last week during your day job.  Supernova will not magically fix everything once attained.  It will simply clear back what you have been screwed out of the first 3 weeks of this month.

Tonight you have lost -$591 in 6 hours.  It is now 6:30 a.m.  Tomorrow you will wake up around 3:00 p.m and try to prepare yourself for another session. 

You question your sanity.