Online Poker and 2009 Lessons Learned

Happy holidays everyone! 

I’m officially moved out and living back at my parents now.  I may put up a post about the pros and cons of living home in the near future.  The past week I’ve had family in town.  I’ve pretty much been spending a lot of time with family and catching up with my two brothers.  When we are all reunited for the 3 or 4 times each year we usually pimp out 3 computers in the basement complete with enormous monitors.  We sometimes (ok most of the time) do dorky stuff like play Warcraft III, which is always a good time.  I can be a dork, I just hide it well.  It’s amazing how quickly that game comes back.  Also amazing how popular that game has remained for about 10 years now.  I used to play War 3 in High school! 

Come to think of it, I wish I started playing poker seriously in High school.  Now there was some wasted free time that could have been allocated to pursuing passions.  It’s a damn shame that I had no idea what my passions really were back then.  Playing sports and hanging out/partying with friends consumed most of my free time during those years.  I suppose those aren’t terrible things to be into in High school.  OK I’m rambling here, going to move on and break the rest of the post into online poker and 2009 lessons.

Online Poker:

No notable wins to speak of.  I played in the 3,000 FPP turbo on Poker Stars Sunday, with no luck.  I believe the best hand I was dealt the entire tournament was a very low pocket pair.  I eventually tried to push my remaining 2,500 chips as one other person limped in preflop.  My A9(s) < 88 was good for disgusting bust-out around 8,000^th place.

Also, I have officially DROPPED limits.  One of the most awful feelings in poker is dropping.  However, the $12 180 SNG turbos were eating me alive.  I decided to drop to playing $2.20 180 turbos, and 3.30 180 turbo rebuys with my 2k online roll.  Much more fun than low-limit cash games, and I will be able to build a huge sample size.  The plays seen on these limits are astonishingly awful.  The bad beats are just as intense, but now losing the money doesn’t hurt nearly as much.  I’m going to donk around in these limits for a while rather than depositing anymore money online.  For that matter it is actually my preference to never deposit additional money online.  I’m about to drop around $2,000 on a MacBook Pro which is even more of a reason not think about putting more money online.  The MacBook is important especially since I’m planning to move across country this upcoming year.  It is an awesome machine that I would want to have anyways.  Besides, I think it’s always a good idea to invest in myself by investing in technology.

I also do not want to go overboard playing online poker the next month.  I am considering capping it at 15-20 hours per week unless I am running really hot (yah right).  The rest of the poker time can go towards reading poker books.  I don’t want to completely break from any form of social life yet, though it is tempting.  I feel the direction of my life is moving towards a huge break in this area (at least temporarily).  It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it's just the way it is.  If you are working a 9-5 job and want to put serious time towards pursuing poker and making a huge move it is simply a sacrifice you’re going to have to make.

2009 Lessons

I can’t say it’s been the most eventful or satisfying year in my life.  However, I decided to brainstorm and pull together a few lessons I have learned.  I think it is absolutely essential to learn from your experiences no matter how uneventful.

1)  Never hide from who you are to please others.

If they don’t like it, that’s their problem.  NOT yours.  I’m done pretending like I’m not planning to move to Vegas.  My primary goal is not only to pursue poker to the fullest possible extent, but to get myself in a position to fully support myself playing.  If that makes me the scum of society so be it.

2)  Never rush into a move.

You will be sorry.  I’m making an effort to tie up all loose ends before I move to Vegas.

3)  What you make out of your current situation is important, but the destination is ultimately irrelevant.

You could be living in a hut in the center of an uncharted jungle and be the happiest person alive.  What you make out of that situation is important.

4)  Russian girls are TROUBLE.

Enough said.

5)  I never have to settle for a girl that I view as being less than a “10”.

A girl being labeled a “10” (on a 1 to 10 point scale) is obviously relative and seems shallow.  However, I don’t see it that way.  When we meet someone we automatically gage our attraction level to them, whether we say it or not.  It’s simply a personal opinion that rates just how physically attracted we are.  It’s a way to give someone a “ballpark estimation” with regards to how attracted you were to that bird you met at the library last week, or where ever the hell you meet girls nowadays.  I could write a couple pages on this topic, but I will spare you.  However, I have met and been with my “10” over the summer.  She was the driving force behind the writing of lesson #4 above.  I will say she completely changed my perspective on the dating scene.  I’m not sure if this is good or bad, but it’s impossible to ignore how drastically she has changed my perspective.

6)  When it comes to dating physical attraction is king.

Again this will seem shallow to some.  But let’s face it; any girl you go out with is going to be a complete pain in the ass.  You may also find out eventually that the girl you’re dating is in actuality a horrible person.  I have come to accept my mate will be a horrible person, but I expect them to at least be pretty damn attractive.  Not to say when I begin dating someone I have the logic: “wow this girl is genuinely an awful person, let’s see what happens.”  The logic is more like: "pretty much every female that I have dated in my society has proven to be a pretty bad person, I'm not going to trick myself into thinking this could be drastically different."  Though occasionally the girl will successfully fake her true colors for a while.  So I might as well at least be certain they are DAMN attractive to counter-balance the pending disappointment.

This is said with a grain of humor, but be aware.  You may think the girl you are dating is not horrible, but don’t judge so soon.  Anyone can fake liking you for a year or two to get what they want.  So if given the choice you might as well go for the drop-dead gorgeous “10” Russian and have the best sex of your life for a while.

7)  In the world there are list-makers and people who instinctively go into action to go after their goals.

Most are list makers.  I don’t want to end up a list-maker.

4 Reasons You Shouldn't Play 180 SNG Turbos on Stars

I decided to play four turbos on Idiot Stars tonight.

Format:  $12 180 turbo.

Start Time:  9:37 p.m

End Time:  10:31 p.m

Tournament 1:

KK< AK all in pre.  Turn ace.  Typical turn.  That obviously crippled me.  Eventually pushed with 44 all in against a calling A10.  Justice by awarding me one coin flip in 50?  HELL NO!  FLOP ACE.  Bust 44< A10 all in pre.

Tournament 2:

AJ < QK all in pre.  Huge raise was not an instant call but the guy in the blind snap calls anyway.  Ok Maybe I have a chance. FLOP QQ9  TURN KING. 

Nice no wonder he snapped called.  He must know something that I don't.

Tournament 3:

blinds 25/50

4 people limp early.. I push all in pre with AK suited.  A brilliant individual snap calls 1800 with Q 10 off-suit

FLOP:  (4, K, 9)  (sweet I'm holding a king maybe I can win a pot)

TURN:  (ACE)  (wait doesn't he have an out if..........)

RIVER:  (JACK)

Q-10 runner runners to make a straight on the river > AK

WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT??????  If this guy was sitting at my table in real life I have no idea how I would have stopped myself from lunging across the table and beating him with the largest object in my proximity.  I actually flipped out and lost it on him.  He said nothing.  Classless I know, but screw this site.

Tournament 4:

AKs < QQ all in pre about 1600 with blinds still low. 

BLANK BLANK BLANK BLANK BLANK

Must be really fucking nice to have a hand hold.

And then the smartest thing I've done in a while: LOGGED OUT.  Those were the only four tonight thank you Stars.

This is pretty funny.  The larger sample size hasn't been much different especially over the past weekend.  I think I could easily turn this into a series.  I've always taken a sort of pride in my ability to take misery and produce something slightly meaningful (I've already done this writing about corporate).

Look forward to an upcoming post "4 Reasons You Shouldn't Play 180 Turbos on Stars (Part II)."  I can nearly guarantee this publication will be out within the next 36 hours.  Next time I'm playing tournaments instead of flipping out on someone I will just ramble on about reasons.  For example the tournament starts and I type: "Reasons you shouldn't play 180 SNG turbos on Stars?"  Some people will probably respond bewildered, I'll probably ignore.  Perhaps I will even exchange a line or two: "Will this be another reason?".  Then when I get sucked out simple a "PART II REASON #2 A MASTERPIECE!"

When I get to about Part 15 maybe I can put it all in one publication and hopefully stop one individual from torturing him or herself by putting money into these horseshit tournaments.  Then again I guess someone has to be winning.  Maybe you will be the Stars lottery raffle chosen one, but if things come tough for you like me then I would NOT enter.  Note to self, next time just buy a large glass jar for $3.  Then take the remaining $45 and break into pennies.  Next fill the jar with the pennies and seal tight:

 

Finally, LAUNCH the jar of pennies at the nearest brick wall and brace yourself for an INCREDIBLE PENNY EXPLOSION.

Net Loss:  -48.00

-bag

Struggling (Nothing New)

My back is against the wall from an online poker standpoint.  I put in massive volume over the weekend and failed to turn my fortunes in the SNG 180 turbos.  Ran just as atrocious as described in the last post, only this time I couldn't salvage it by coming in first place at least once.  My highest finish was 3rd and that just wasn't enough.  My Stars bankroll is now just over $2,000 and declining fast.  This is the worst online swing I have ever been through in my life.

It makes me absolutely disgusted just thinking about it.  I sit here right now typing this very sentence sick to my stomach.  If someone who never played poker before played the sessions I did over the weekend and just clicked "all in" every hand I think they would have ended up with better results.  I'm going through one of those times where I can't seem to do anything right.  I can't steal a blind, I hold A7 in a logical steal situation, oh of course the blind will be holding AK every time.  A coin flip? lol yah right.  I can't win a coin flip to save my life.  I can't even avoid a 2 outer smashing me out on the flop.  And then the downward spiraling misery just infects every other part of my game. 

I can't believe I'm even thinking about sticking with this format after the way I have run, but I still think it's beatable for a person who runs within a somewhat normal range.  I have looked up some of the top players who are in these tournaments.  I've concluded you're going to absolutely have to win coin flips to be successful in these tournaments.  Yes if you're in a coin flip situation and you lose NINE OUT OF 10 flips you're obviously fucking screwed.  There were countless times where there were about 30 people left and I'm sitting there getting all my chips in with the best hand like (55-1010 pre).  I just remember thinking "ok he is going to have a hand like 10-Q - QK, he is going to play as a slight under dog, and I'm going to LOSE AGAIN.  Oh and he will never hit the over card on the flop.  Always on the turn or river as if to rub in my endless torture".  What a helpless situation.  Sure enough the JK hits the king on the turn owning my 99 or whatever and I'm bust.  You are often going to lose these flips, but there has to be some sort of BALANCE?  I'd love to see how the "best" 180 $12 turbo player would handle a swing like the one I endured over the weekend.  He wouldn't be the best player anymore I'll tell you that.

My struggles aren't a surprise to me.  Nothing has ever come easy for me in my life.  I can think of endless examples.  Fighting to overcome the struggle has always been something that has defined me. 

I was never the most confident person.  "Full of myself for no reason" was unfortuantely not a trait I inherited.  I had to build myself to a level of confidence to help me go after goals and dreams.  I won't even lie and say "had to" because I am still building.

I went through college and recieved a Bachelors from an accredited University in four years.  Subjects such as physics, finance, accounting, and statistics didn't come naturally to me like some.  I only excelled after fighting and putting in massive volume.  It just didn't come easy, and I didn't expect it to.

I played tennis and won two championships in college.  Again, it didn't come easy.  I didn't even play the sport competitively in high-school.  I wasn't one who could just pick up a racket and instantly hammer opponents.  Most of my opponents had been playing 15 years.  Form-wise, I usually wasn't the fundamentally best player.  I had to grind out my biggest wins.  My game was physical stamina and mental toughness.  If someone was going to beat me they needed to hit a ridiculous winner or tough out a 20 stroke rally to win each point.

At one time I successfully did some fashion modeling shoots in Manhattan.  Despite the bashing I took from friends ("omg gay", the criticism was never to my face of course) I still did it.  Despite my bitch of a girlfriend at the time giving me jealous bull-shit every step of the way I ignored her, told her if she didn't like it that's not my problem.  I saw it as a possible way I could avoid corporate, and maybe build a bankroll for poker.  It wasn't something I was passionate about.  But for a while I thought it may be a lesser evil then the world of corporate (turned out I was right).  Looking back the experience was important, I proved I could do it.  It came to a point where I had to say fuck anyone who isn't with me and just focus on doing my thing.   

Torn between pride and reason I eventually entered the corporate world.  For almost two years I busted my ass, I did everything I could to get myself in a position to "advance".  Did good things just happen as a result of my hard work like a normal person?  Hell no, the suck-up idiot who started at the same time as me eventually received the promotion.  The prick who had no reasonable skills that exceeded mine except the ability to suck-up.  Even better, I have to still work next to him everyday and pretend I respect him.  I don't consider the skill of sucking-up a reasonable one.  Sure networking is important, but I am referring to an entirely different extreme here.  I could have committed all my energies to beating him in sucking up, but then again I still would have had to look at myself in mirror every morning. 

I know someone I'm very close to (being vague for identity reasons) who was accepted into one of the best design schools in the world.  He basically just picked up a camera, took a few photos, and in less than a year he gained admission.  Could I just pick up a camera, take a few photos and gain admission?  No I don't have that natural talent, it just wouldn't work out so easily for me.

On the same token I'm sure some decent poker players can put the volume in these tournaments, win the flips and run like a God.  It's just not that simple for me, nothing ever was.  Maybe after I endure torture and hang on long enough I can reach some sort of justification or accomplishment at the end of the tunnel.

I have countless examples I could run on with that relate to my personal life, but the important thing is A STRUGGLE should not be new to me.

But with poker it is a little different.  I can fight all I want, but if the Gods of probability are hell-bent on my destruction then that shall be my fate.

Seriously, what do I have to do to please the Gods of probability here?  Dress up in tribal gear and dance around a fucking fire while I'm all in on a coin flip?  Start Gregorian chants to prevent my opponent from flopping one of his two outs?  Give offerings such as fruit and gold?  Slaughter a lamb?  I would almost kill a god-damn lamb to turn this fate. 

Maybe it's more realistically whoever is in charge of Poker Stars, but I'll pretend that I am 100% sure that the site is completely legit (even know you never can be).

Going forward when I put in my online sessions I will tone down my volume due to the decreased bankroll.  I will be playing a max of three $12 turbos at any given time, and I may also open a NORMAL speed SNG or cash table at the same time.  I want to be able to see every hand at every single table I'm playing on at once while I'm going through this bull-shit swing.  Any slight advantage could help.

It's getting to a point where this experiment feels like a complete waste of time.  It's good to adapt and win in other formats, but still.  This is probably an un-necessary blow to my state of mind and confidence level.  I just read back and realized I put a lot of personal stuff in this post.  Anyone who reads this now probably knows more about my life then most of my "friends" I hang out with regularly. 

That's interesting...

180 SNG Turbo Sessions (Analysis and Nonsense)

It is REALLY cold around Maryland right now.  It makes me wonder why the hell anyone ever settled here in the first place.  Maybe the majority settled during the three fifths of the year that actually had a decent climate.  Then winter came around decimated a third of the population and suddenly it became OMG THIS PLACE SUCKS.  I guess the logical short answer would be that my somewhat close ancestors settled around here because it was near a convenient port city with JOBS.  I guess not much has changed there.  No one ever said the jobs would be great, but sure jobs can be found.  And the cloesest city has a port BABY.  So if your kids are bitching and you have to move around here just explain: THERE BE BOATS!  YOU LIKE BOATS RIGHT?  That being said I wish I was in Vegas right now grinding away with a reasonable climate on my side.

I have been putting in a good amount of volume with regards to $12 180 turbos since December 5th 2009.  Before I get into the analysis I will say that this format has single-handedly revived my interest in online poker.  For the first time in a while playing online hasn't felt like a chore.  These tournaments are fun, I look forward to them, even know I'm a terrible sport and get really pissed off when I get sucked out repeatedly.  And I love how I can fit in a decent session playing 5-10 tournaments in less than 3 hours.  These things are perfect if you have a crazy busy life with a 9-5 job on top of that.  Perfect if you win that is..........

I can't say I've been pleased with my results.  I just can't seem to break another big win off.  I know the variance in this format is ridiculous, but it's getting really fucking old.  As of today I decided to take all of my notes and start looking at some stats (instead of doing any work at my corporate job during the morning).  When my boss comes by I normally just stay really still because I think her vision is based on movement, so I should be ok.

Anyways, whenever I play one of these tournaments I have been trying to track:

A)  The start and end time.

B)  Finishing position (including profit/loss).

C)  My strength as I busted out seperated into three categories.  Did I bust with the best hand?  Was I a slight underdog?  Or was I dominated?

I have played a total of 117 games since Dec 5th, which took about 35 hours combined.  When I play I have been playing 5 at once.  I wait until all of the tournaments finish until I start another grouping of 5.  Below I have some stats that I pulled together.  Not as nice looking as the excel sheet, but maybe I can work on that.

First I will look at the finishing stats:

Total Games	117
Hours	35
Net Profit	$71.00
Finishes	Amount	%
1st	1	0.9%
2nd	0	0.0%
3rd	0	0.0%
4th	2	1.7%
6th-9th	4	3.4%
10th-18th	13	11.1%
19th-32nd	18	15.4%
33rd-180th	79	67.5%

The numbers don't tell the  full story obviously, but I can draw some good data from the finishes alone.  32.5% of my finishes were in the top 32.  This means I am consistently getting myself in striking distance to go after some nice profits.  Top 18 finishes fell considerably to 17%.  A goal going forward may be to finish within the top 18 20% of the time.  Not sure if this thinking is logical.  But it might help knowing that it is indeed normal to bust out of the top 18 AT LEAST 70% of the time.   Not that you WANT too, but hell it COULD happen.

Without the first place finish I would have been royally fucked.  Then again it is all relative in a way.  If I bumped those two 4th place finishes a few higher I could have had some really nice results.  One thing that jumps out at me is the ridiculous amount of finishes around the bubble.  In 26.5% of the tournaments I finshed 10th-32nd place.  Furthermore, in 15.4% of my tournaments I finished 19th-32nd (just out of the money).  With my kick-ass excel filter I can check my results in that 15.4%.  Was I busting in the 19th-32nd bracket with reasonable hands?

ABSOLUTELY YES.  In those 18 finishes I was all in with the best hand TWELVE out of the eighteen times.  Over 66% of the time I busted sucked out and was really pissed off.  Furthermore, one of the times I was a coin-flip, once I was a slight dog.  And 4 out of those 18 finishes I was dominated.  Sometimes you're going to be dominated so you have to expect this.  Looking back A4< A8 when stealing the blind all in, A9<AA with a low stack push,  QKs < AQ trying to steal one guy off a blind, and JJ < AA all in pre. 

Oh and by the way stealing blinds in these formats is about as risky as deciding to settle around Maryland even know a winter is looming that could decimate half your population.  It's risky, but necessary.  Sure the natives could come through and bail your unprepared foolish ass out, but fuck if you REALLY know what they are doing in those woods anyways.  You may not even see them until spring with your luck!

As for the 1st-18th finishing bracket, I had 19 results that fell within that range (1st place finish was excluded since that was the only tourney I didn't actually bust out).  3 out of those 19 finishes I was dominated (55<KK, 55< 10;10, 55<AA).  Note to self, stop playing 55 with 18 players left?  lol.  Also I was a slight dog 3 out of the 19, and had one coin-flip lost.  However, out of those 19 finishes I busted all in with the BEST HAND 13 out of 19 times.  That equates to me wanting to dive into the computer and kick the shit out of someone Matrix style 68% of the time.  This is the variance boiled down to the very core.  I should have busted in maybe 40% of these situations (5 losses out of the 13), busting 68% of the time here (nearly 9 losses) is ABSURD.  losing 5 out of these 13 really important situations would have been normal, not losing 9.  These 4 variance driven busts were a huge deal considering how deep I was.  I could have easily turned one into a top 4 finish so fuck off Poker Stars, you're horseshit.

The story of my last 117 tournaments played could be titled "devastating bubble finishes".  If I could have bumped more of the 13 finishes that fell under the 10th-18th bracket into the 1st-9th bracket this would be again; a very different post.

The next chart will look at my hand strength as I busted:

Hand when bust	Total	%
Best Hand	64	54.7%
Slight Underdog	22	18.8%
Dominated	20	17.1%
Coin Flips	11	9.4%

Overall 54.7% of the time I busted out with the best hand, 9.4% I couldn't win a coinflip, and 18.8% I was a slight dog and failed to improve.  This leads me to belive that about 83% of the time I busted out with reasonable holdings.  As for the 17.1% dominated, this does not seem like a high percentage to me.  It's hard to get away from hands like QQ< KK, or JJ < QQ, especially as you get deep, the blinds are huge, and you have to take down pots to survive.  Also there are times where you have to steal the blinds with holdings like A5+, then again they could be holding an AK in the blind.  So we are back again to the risk involved, yes EXACTLY like the settling in Maryland situation that humanity faced on this very soil not so long ago.  Also note I included hands where I was "dominated" but I did not include hands where I dominated the other person and lost.  I vividly remember a span of 10 tournaments when my QQ was all in pre and got smashed 3 consecutive times (by all ins 66, 66, and 67).  It's funny I don't remember winning shit when I'm dominated and down to 2 outs, but my opponents have no trouble turning that 2 outer.

It's a little demoralizing, but I think this post has brought some justification to my mind.  I laid everything out, and it confirms that I haven't just felt like I was running really bad; I really have been running like absolute shit the past week.  And beyond all the bullshit, I'm still up around $75 during that span.  So it's probably best the bury the hatchet and move on.  Though it's troublesome, because if I take out the 1st place finish and have another week like that I am in a world of hurt.  

I may adjust to playing only 4 tables at once.  This will equate to very close to 2% of my bankroll being in play at any given time.  Though I now know money can still fly really fast when playing format, it is not for the weak-hearted.  I really don't think I have been playing poorly, I just can't catch a break to save my life.  Also I am new to this format.  Hopefully I have somewhat improved over the last 120 games played straight.  I would almost deposit money into the site rather than go back to playing the mind-numbing low limit hold-em cash games on Stars.  Perhaps a DIFFERENT site.

A lot of break-downs were posted above, but I'm still really not sure what constitutes "normal" results for this format.  I'm just trying to feel things out based on my playing ability, and the above break-downs help me put everything in perspective.  Finishing within the top 32 places 32.5% of the time sounds decent to me though.  Please correct me if someone has massive playing experience on this format and knows that finsihing in the top thirty-two 32.5% of the time is BAD.

I want to battle through this variance storm, but I fear the storm could destroy me before that ever happens.

I haven't really thought about online pokers place in my life when I move to Vegas.  I want to keep a bankroll, but I want over 90% of my investments going to live play.  Live is where my heart is at, it is where I have excelled at over the last few years.  I don't like the idea of sitting in a basement 40 hours a week grinding away online, that really isn't me.  It would be nice to develop into a profitable player on 180 $12 turbos online to start, but that's obviously far away.

Anyways it's about 12:30 p.m and I haven't done an ounce of real work.  Tomorrow I had the honor of being invited a team dinner from 5p.m-8p.m.  It was marked "mandatory" and "please don't forward".  That's really funny a MANDATORY DINNER.  That's right "EAT WITH ME OR ELSE".  Great logic and all, but no thanks and fuck you.  I'm done acting like anyone actually gives a shit about anyone other than themselves at this place.  I could easily put on an act and show-face, but I'd rather not even bother anymore.  I am beyond the games.

Cool strategy though.  Maybe I should start assigning MANDATORY dinners with girls I really like.  Or I mean with girls that I WANT to like me.  I'm sure they will dig the shit out of that.  I'll also include "please don't forward this invite".

Cheers,

bag

The Path of Avoidance

Tonight I realized if I had nine lives I would have been through them all and then some.  All the crazy ridiculous two outers that I become a victim of nightly can't over-ride how lucky I really am.  I think I should keep this in mind as I go through life the next few months.  As I was driving back home tonight I realized how stupid I really was.  Sure I was fine to drive, but every other car on the road at 3:30 a.m is a cop.  For that matter 95% of the mother-fuckers on the road at 3:30 a.m are "drunk" by the legal definition and would fail a sobriety test.  What else would you be doing on the road at 3:30 a.m?  You are coming back from a party.  Cops are looking to bust people to make their quotas.

If I would have been pulled over it really would have been game over.  I would have been over the legal limit and that is all that matters.  I'm not sure why I even made the decision to drive back, even know I knew I would not endanger myself or any other person driving back.  It still just wasn't worth risking my life over (as in getting arrested).  Maybe I was being full of myself to a ridiculous point which allowed me to reason that driving back to my house was a logical choice, regardless of the circumstances that were occurring.

Come to think of it I should have gotten a DUI a long time ago, like in high-school.  In a way the only reason I avoided those rough patches of my life was complete luck.  If I got a DUI, think of how many 2 outers I would gladly accept on stupid $12 180 turbos to wipe my record clean, to have that one chance back, to start anew.  And I'm going to try to keep this in mind as much as I can going forward.  I deserve the 2 outer's, I deserve every bad beat I ever take in my life.  Because I'm not entitled to shit, I don't deserve to dodge that two outer.  It is me who has been "lucky" enough to get to this point with a clean slate, to even be in a position to go after my dreams.

And I sit here at 4:40 a.m and I set in stone a promise to myself:

NEVER AGAIN.

It's time to grow up.  Never again will I put myself in such a stupid position.  I will not be destroyed by a system, from this point forward I am the only one who will defeat myself.  No one else will ever defeat me and that is a promise I am making to myself.

If anyone reading this looks down on me for what I wrote above, that is your right and choice.  By all means never read this blog again, I am in no way perfect.  But, I know my limits, and I know when I am well enough to drive or not to drive.  I don't need the law to set a standard for me.  However, I do have to realize I am not above the law. I had stopped drinking 3 hours ago, and had several glasses of water before I left, but I still could have been  busted by some asshole.  I would rather drive home with some lingering traces of alcohol in my system than be incredibly tired.  I actually think being tired is much more dangerous than driving "under the influence" for most people.  If I even had one drink during a night I am going to drive extremely paranoid and extra focused/careful, because I know I had that one drink so I'm going to be that much more careful.

People who wrecked their cars or harmed others because they drank and drove usually never understood their limits in the first place.  These are mostly belligerents who were stupid enough to get into their car and drive black out drunk.  It seems to me that the citizens of most other countries have less extreme cases and know how to handle themselves better.  I think some of this has to do with the ridiculous drinking age imposed in the United States of 21 years old.  Sure you can go fight for your country and die at 18, but drinking HELL NO.  So kids grow up being taught that alcohol is taboo, and when they are finally of age they FLIP OUT and sometimes do really stupid things.  If we are taught something is taboo it is often human nature to experiment.  Meanwhile, if alcohol was taught to be an acceptable substance in moderation, the binge drinking episodes become far less of a problem.  Kids grow up in Europe (ex France or Italy) having a glass of wine with dinner, it is not a big deal.

I didn't mean to steer this post into a political debate, so I'm going to cut this off shortly.  The point is I am god damn lucky and I never want to get behind a wheel again after drinking, even if I only had one drink.  I don't need something on my record that is going to make it that much harder to escape my unhappy situation around here.  Why the fuck would I risk putting myself in that horrible situation?  It just isn't worth fighting a flawed system.

In this case the path of avoidance is essential.