Struggling (Nothing New)
Monday, December 21, 2009 at 9:38AM My back is against the wall from an online poker standpoint. I put in massive volume over the weekend and failed to turn my fortunes in the SNG 180 turbos. Ran just as atrocious as described in the last post, only this time I couldn't salvage it by coming in first place at least once. My highest finish was 3rd and that just wasn't enough. My Stars bankroll is now just over $2,000 and declining fast. This is the worst online swing I have ever been through in my life.
It makes me absolutely disgusted just thinking about it. I sit here right now typing this very sentence sick to my stomach. If someone who never played poker before played the sessions I did over the weekend and just clicked "all in" every hand I think they would have ended up with better results. I'm going through one of those times where I can't seem to do anything right. I can't steal a blind, I hold A7 in a logical steal situation, oh of course the blind will be holding AK every time. A coin flip? lol yah right. I can't win a coin flip to save my life. I can't even avoid a 2 outer smashing me out on the flop. And then the downward spiraling misery just infects every other part of my game.
I can't believe I'm even thinking about sticking with this format after the way I have run, but I still think it's beatable for a person who runs within a somewhat normal range. I have looked up some of the top players who are in these tournaments. I've concluded you're going to absolutely have to win coin flips to be successful in these tournaments. Yes if you're in a coin flip situation and you lose NINE OUT OF 10 flips you're obviously fucking screwed. There were countless times where there were about 30 people left and I'm sitting there getting all my chips in with the best hand like (55-1010 pre). I just remember thinking "ok he is going to have a hand like 10-Q - QK, he is going to play as a slight under dog, and I'm going to LOSE AGAIN. Oh and he will never hit the over card on the flop. Always on the turn or river as if to rub in my endless torture". What a helpless situation. Sure enough the JK hits the king on the turn owning my 99 or whatever and I'm bust. You are often going to lose these flips, but there has to be some sort of BALANCE? I'd love to see how the "best" 180 $12 turbo player would handle a swing like the one I endured over the weekend. He wouldn't be the best player anymore I'll tell you that.
My struggles aren't a surprise to me. Nothing has ever come easy for me in my life. I can think of endless examples. Fighting to overcome the struggle has always been something that has defined me.
I was never the most confident person. "Full of myself for no reason" was unfortuantely not a trait I inherited. I had to build myself to a level of confidence to help me go after goals and dreams. I won't even lie and say "had to" because I am still building.
I went through college and recieved a Bachelors from an accredited University in four years. Subjects such as physics, finance, accounting, and statistics didn't come naturally to me like some. I only excelled after fighting and putting in massive volume. It just didn't come easy, and I didn't expect it to.
I played tennis and won two championships in college. Again, it didn't come easy. I didn't even play the sport competitively in high-school. I wasn't one who could just pick up a racket and instantly hammer opponents. Most of my opponents had been playing 15 years. Form-wise, I usually wasn't the fundamentally best player. I had to grind out my biggest wins. My game was physical stamina and mental toughness. If someone was going to beat me they needed to hit a ridiculous winner or tough out a 20 stroke rally to win each point.
At one time I successfully did some fashion modeling shoots in Manhattan. Despite the bashing I took from friends ("omg gay", the criticism was never to my face of course) I still did it. Despite my bitch of a girlfriend at the time giving me jealous bull-shit every step of the way I ignored her, told her if she didn't like it that's not my problem. I saw it as a possible way I could avoid corporate, and maybe build a bankroll for poker. It wasn't something I was passionate about. But for a while I thought it may be a lesser evil then the world of corporate (turned out I was right). Looking back the experience was important, I proved I could do it. It came to a point where I had to say fuck anyone who isn't with me and just focus on doing my thing.
Torn between pride and reason I eventually entered the corporate world. For almost two years I busted my ass, I did everything I could to get myself in a position to "advance". Did good things just happen as a result of my hard work like a normal person? Hell no, the suck-up idiot who started at the same time as me eventually received the promotion. The prick who had no reasonable skills that exceeded mine except the ability to suck-up. Even better, I have to still work next to him everyday and pretend I respect him. I don't consider the skill of sucking-up a reasonable one. Sure networking is important, but I am referring to an entirely different extreme here. I could have committed all my energies to beating him in sucking up, but then again I still would have had to look at myself in mirror every morning.
I know someone I'm very close to (being vague for identity reasons) who was accepted into one of the best design schools in the world. He basically just picked up a camera, took a few photos, and in less than a year he gained admission. Could I just pick up a camera, take a few photos and gain admission? No I don't have that natural talent, it just wouldn't work out so easily for me.
On the same token I'm sure some decent poker players can put the volume in these tournaments, win the flips and run like a God. It's just not that simple for me, nothing ever was. Maybe after I endure torture and hang on long enough I can reach some sort of justification or accomplishment at the end of the tunnel.
I have countless examples I could run on with that relate to my personal life, but the important thing is A STRUGGLE should not be new to me.
But with poker it is a little different. I can fight all I want, but if the Gods of probability are hell-bent on my destruction then that shall be my fate.
Seriously, what do I have to do to please the Gods of probability here? Dress up in tribal gear and dance around a fucking fire while I'm all in on a coin flip? Start Gregorian chants to prevent my opponent from flopping one of his two outs? Give offerings such as fruit and gold? Slaughter a lamb? I would almost kill a god-damn lamb to turn this fate.
Maybe it's more realistically whoever is in charge of Poker Stars, but I'll pretend that I am 100% sure that the site is completely legit (even know you never can be).
Going forward when I put in my online sessions I will tone down my volume due to the decreased bankroll. I will be playing a max of three $12 turbos at any given time, and I may also open a NORMAL speed SNG or cash table at the same time. I want to be able to see every hand at every single table I'm playing on at once while I'm going through this bull-shit swing. Any slight advantage could help.
It's getting to a point where this experiment feels like a complete waste of time. It's good to adapt and win in other formats, but still. This is probably an un-necessary blow to my state of mind and confidence level. I just read back and realized I put a lot of personal stuff in this post. Anyone who reads this now probably knows more about my life then most of my "friends" I hang out with regularly.
That's interesting...
Reader Comments (8)
The format you like is subject to high variance. A smaller field would help your win rate. You seem frustrated in general so why not find a format you can win at more consistently and then take occassional shots at the larger field tourneys. Remember, we are all our own worst enemies. You must master yourself before you will consistently master others.
Trust me the variance is ridiculous but if you love them then you love them. I mean hell I am practically on a 1k downer tbh. But I love to play the 180's so keep grinding and gl.
Luc,
Thanks for the comment. I can't tell you exactly why I'm so set on doing well in this ridiculous variance format. It's becoming almost "personal". I still think it's possible despite the fact that it hasn't been working out. I think my plan going forward will be to drop the amount of tables played at first. After that fails (being pessimistic) I think it would be smart to drop to 45-man SNG's, maybe even regular non-turbo 45 SNGs and try to grind up that way.
Dropping down would be more logical then having to deposit to continue to play in this format. I Also ordered about 4 poker books that I need to start reading very soon. So I plan to put a good portion of my poker-time to reading and studying the next few weeks.
Or I could just convert everything I have ever owned into a bankroll for playing $12 180 turbos. That should give me a nice sample size. And after my epic success or collapse I could write a book
"180 $12 SNG Turbo Ruin ; The Inevitable Collapse of a Baglife"
OR
"180 $12 SNG Turbo Triumph; Baglife's Road to Glory"
(Publisher Lucypher) Or hell (Co-author Lucypher)
Sounds a lot more original than moving to Vegas and grinding brick and mortar live. Who hasn't done that? lol.
-bag
I think wb hit the nail on the head: "If you love them then you love them". Unfortunately that love shouldn't over-ride appropriate bankroll management. And I am rapidly approaching a point where bankroll management logic will make the decision tough.
Ignoring BM is a sure way to doom. Then again, assuming BM even exists in this format. I thought I was being "safe" with no more than 2.5% played at once.
I guess another option would be dropping to $6.50-$7 (I forget the exact amount) 180 turbos. It seemed like these were not filling up as quickly. But the traffic might be reasonable on peak hours.
-bag
If you must play these, the $3r is probably the way to go. I know it's a small sample size but I made about $1400 off of them in November playing less than 100, but two wins will get you that when 1st place is usually $420-550.
Just memorize Nash Equilibrium because even a monkey could break even over 12 months doing nothing but push/fold in this silly games.
And by $3r I meant the $3 180 Turbo with Rebuys which you can find under the "micro" MTT section. I think the payouts are very similar to the $12 180 Man with even weaker player fields. I typically limit myself to a $12 investment in these so if I place 10-18 I can still have an OK return.
Fk,
Interesting I remember seeing that format when I glanced at the micro section. If I go below $1800 that may be a logical drop-down choice. I don't want to have more then 3% of my bankroll in play at any given time when playing these formats. The $3 turbo rebuy may provide a similar format with less risk.
-bag