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After many years of going to school and saying no to drugs I graduated with a degree!  Little did I know it would lead me to being beaten into the ground at the hands of a soulless corporation.  After 3 years I quit to play poker professionally.  I've now been full-time over 7 years, yet revenge is still in the air.  It's crazy to look back and realize I started this blog as I was simply 'pumping myself up' to quit the real world and go full time.  Now I also do some writing for fun as a 'day job' (some freelance and paid, but an insignificant sum compared to 5/10 live) and airbnb my place when I don't feel like playing as much.

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Sunday
May232010

Failing At Life (5.24.2010)

If you came here to read about how much I suck at poker, please refer to the last post I put up at 4:57 p.m on Sunday.  As some of you may know I have been failing at life as well.  This happens to be an epic life failure post.  The failure occurred as I decided to go out for a few hours on Friday night.  I went to a bar to catch up with a few friends.  It was a bar and town I really wasn’t familiar with, but I was looking for an adventure.  And WOW did I get an adventure.

The adventure occurred because I decided to blatantly hit on the best looking girl at the bar.  There were not many good looking girls, but this girl was EXTREMELY attractive.  I wasn’t drunk, and I’d have to give her a 10 out of 10.  That being said I’m rating extremely strict, and I’m pickier than anyone I’ve ever met really.  Maybe it was a bit of an “attractive by comparison” situation because the rest of the bar was so miserable, but she was at least a 9 out of 10.  We immediately hit it off.  Soon we were dancing, and she was doing some crazy stuff.  I mean I could keep up, but this girl was off the hook WILD.  I wanted to talk to her more, and we decided to go into the side bar, which was away from the dance floor.  We talked a while, had a few drinks, perhaps made-out some.

After talking a while I immediately find out some disturbing developments.  The girl is 21 years old, and has a 4-year old kid (uh-oh).  Being a nice guy I didn’t leap out of the nearest window at this point, I enjoy a challenge whatever right?

I ask about the father, and she says that he is completely out of the picture.  Also, they are still legally married and haven’t finalized the divorce yet.  So sweet the angry legal husband is still lurking around somewhere, that’s always good news!  I assumed he was in other state, but I didn’t probe into it.

Then I find out the girl used to be a stripper.  She termed it “dancer” when I asked how she learned to dance like that.  OK SORRY THE GIRL USED TO BE A DANCER!  At this point somewhere I must have been reasoning: “well if you’re 21-years old and have a 4-year old kid you might as well be a dancer”.

Then I find out the girl is also engaged to another guy.  She said her friend proposed to her, and she didn’t know how to say no LOL.  So she actually had the ring on from the other guy, it was very nice!  Being a completely insane person by nature I decided to keep hanging out with her, and I’m still physically attracted.  Besides, this story just got too fucking good, I can’t bail out now right?

Quick summary of the girl:

A)  Drop dead gorgeous

B)  21 years old.

C)  Has a 4-year old son.

D)  Used to be a stripper (or still is?).    

E)  Legally married to some dude who is “said to be” out of the picture.

F)  Also technically engaged to another guy, who she “doesn’t love” and is waiting for the right moment to break it off with.

Dance Floor Gone Wild.

So despite the girl having a few minor issues, I saw no problem hanging out and having fun.  At one point I’m on the dance floor and the DJ or staff member yells something at me.  He goes: “TAKE YOUR GIRL-FRIEND AND GET HER OUT OF HERE, SHE’S GOT TO LEAVE, NOW!!!”

Ok first LOLs at girl-friend.  But for the rest of the story I will just refer to her as my girlfriend or GF since it’s humorous to me.

Apparently what happened was my GF flashed a little on the dance floor.  For some reason I seriously don’t think it was blatant.  I just think one of her tits may have sort-of popped out for like a second.  I didn’t actually see it happen, so I gave her the benefit out the doubt, but honestly I would have sided her anyways (she is my girlfriend).  She was somewhat drunk at this point, and it could have even been an accident.  She was dancing crazy, but I’m going to go out on the limb and say she definitely didn’t intentionally flash her tits in the middle of the dance floor. 

Ok either way.  So why are you kicking this girl or apparently “my girlfriend” out again?  Because she dances good?  Your entire establishment is lame, there is nothing else of interest here, let’s be honest.  But it’s cool you guys care so much about keeping everything”PG-13”.  Meanwhile people are getting plastered and getting into accidents as they drive home.

An Attempt to Diffuse the Situation.

When the guy yelled at me that the girl had to leave, I knew he was dead serious.  I immediately talked to my new girl-friend and convinced her to come back to the side bar with me.  I didn’t fully explain the situation, but she wouldn’t have understood at the time anyways.  So I go back into the side-bar with her, and one or two other people (I don’t even remember what association they had to us).

At this point I realize my GF has gotten really drunk, more than I realized.  I immediately have her sit down, and order her water.  Within 2 minutes two staff members hunt us down and surround me.  They say my GF has to “get the fuck out now”.  I explain that she is really drunk, I’m sorry for any problems, but if she just has a glass of water here in this secluded back-bar, she will be fine, and I will take her home immediately after.

The staff decides to be complete assholes and say they will throw her out if she doesn’t leave at this moment.  So I stick with her and leave.

The Walk to the Car.    

The girl can barely walk.  We just got thrown out of the bar, and I have no idea where her friends are and who she even came with.  My only option is to get her to my car which is further down the parking lot.  We can’t sit outside the bar until she gets better because the staff is around and we are kicked out.  So my only goal at this point is to get the girl to my car, get her some water, and re-unite her with her friends I guess.

On the short-walk to my car I’m supporting about 70% of this girl’s weight.  She was a slender girl so I could easily handle it, but she was certainly unable to walk alone.

Almost immediately after I get her to my car this girl starts puking her guts out.  I think it’s about 12:30 a.m at this point.  She’s launching outside of my passenger door with it slightly opened.

She really doesn’t know what is going on while she is puking.  She is pretty much puking blacked out.  At this point it’s like taking care of a child.  Most of the time I’m holding her hair up.  I’m also holding her body in place so she doesn’t fall out or something.  Finally she stops and I get her to lay comfortably in the passenger’s seat.  Thinking fast I immediately run to my trunk, and wrap a large paper bag in an empty trash bag.

At this point her friend calls her phone and I answer.  I explain to her the situation.  Her friend says she can’t give her a ride and that she is “going home with a guy”.  Her friend also tells me that my “girlfriends” car is at a random gas station.  Her friend agrees to meet my GF in the morning at her place if I drop her off.  She says she can then pick her up and take her to her car: “not a problem”.

Then the chick starts puking again.  This time mostly in the strange bag I constructed for her.  I have to continue to hold her up the entire time and make sure she is ok.  She eventually stops puking and I realize it’s approaching 2:00 a.m.  Now I realize I have to get the fuck out of the parking lot.  Cops sweep through parking lots like that as the bar closes and look for drunk people.  They would probably give me a DUI and beat-down on principle.

At this point I can’t drop this girl off at her place. I have no idea where the fuck her place is and she’s completely passed out.  I’m forced to take her to my house, or stay and risk the wrath of the cops. 

The Drive Home.

I’m generally driving extremely slow at this point.  My GF is not completely coherent yet and I’m sort of holding her in place with one arm while I’m driving with the other.  My house is about 30 minutes away, but driving at this rate more like 45 minutes.

15-20 minutes into the drive the girl wakes up and starts forming sentences that are becoming more coherent.  I explain to her the situation and she somewhat understands.  I pick up that going to my house is not a good idea because she said she has to be with her son when he wakes up.  If anything I feel bad for the son.  Next, I pull over on the side of the road.  I remap my GPS to her place, which she gives me an address to.  She can barely say the address, but after some clarification I get it.

So I u-turn and begin my journey the complete opposite way to wherever the hell she usually sleeps at night.

Conversations.   

As I’m driving back to her place she becomes increasingly coherent and begins recovering fast.  We talked about a lot, I have no idea half the things we talked about.  But the conversations flowed well, and some of them were very funny.

I’ll pull some I remember here:

Convo 1:

GF:  (while staring at me and checking me out) “I guess not all the sweet guys are gone”

Baglife:  “That’s very nice of you, thanks”

GF:  “You’re welcome”

………

Baglife:  “But I’m not really sweet.  I was just pretending so maybe I could trick you into liking me”

GF:  “Oh seriously?”

Baglife:  “I was uhh … just kidding”

GF: “Lol”

Convo 2:

GF:  “This week is going to be kinda stressful.  I’m getting breast enlargement surgery”

Baglife:  “Are you serious?  Wow they already look nice to me?”

GF:  “No way, really?  They’re too small”

Baglife:  “I honestly don’t think they’re too small at all.  You’re a small girl; they are perfectly shaped to your body.  Size isn’t everything here”.

(She then goes on the show me one of her tits.  It was amazing, and as I originally said PERFECTLY proportioned to her body.  Pro-tip: this is not the best thing to be doing while driving in an area you’re already very unfamiliar with.)

GF:  “See it’s not very big”

Baglife:  “But very attractive and proportionate.  Well I hope everything goes smooth.  I wouldn’t worry much, I’m certain that’s a very common surgery.”

GF:  “Well you have to come over sometime later this week and check them out.”

Baglife:  “It’d be hard to turn that offer down, but I’m not sure your current fiancé would approve of that”

GF:  “OMG I can’t believe I’m still legally married and have a new fiancé.  I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to be with him.  We were friends for a long time and he just proposed out of no-where.”

Baglife:  “I’d recommend being extremely honest, and telling him as soon as possible.  I know you were taken by surprise at first and it was a mistake agreeing to it.  But the longer you wait to tell him, the more unfair it is too him.  It’s also unfair to yourself, it seems you would be living a lie and unhappy.”

(I have no idea where this convo went next).

Baglife:  "Well I still want to hold your hand even know you have a fiance and are legally married (while actually holding her hand while driving with my other arm).

5-Miles Away.

My GF asks if she can smoke in my car.  I don’t smoke, but I let other people smoke usually if they ask.  I agree, and say only she is allowed to smoke in there.

She acts very disappointed that she is out of cigs.  I ask if she would want to stop off for a pack, considering I need to fill up my tank anyways.  She likes that idea, but explains she has ZERO MONEY.  Because apparently the friend that left her at the bar to hook up with some guy has all of her possessions. 

I say I can buy a pack, but will only support her habit once.  I stop off and begin filling the tank.  She happens to find 3 smokes, so she says she doesn’t need a pack.  But I buy her a lighter because I’m just that nice of a guy I guess?

So as I’m filling the tank the fiancé calls her, who is apparently at the house I’m taking her too……..

Now I’m worried that I’m going to drop her off and some guy is going to attack me.  I asked her if the guy is reasonable.  She says:  “Yeah totally”.

Uh ok great………..

So quick thinking I tell her to just say that I’m her friend’s friend.  But her friend left with a guy, so I had to take her home.

She stuck with that story and said that to the fiancé.  Eventually he asks to talk to me through her phone.  So I talk to him, act logical, and give the same walk around answer.  I also spin it off that I’m indeed helping him out as well, which I in-fact WAS.  Because if I didn’t take this mess of a girl home, she could be arrested or passed out on a parking lot (though I didn’t say that).  Or she could have met a guy who would have actually taken advantage of her or something.  He says “something isn’t adding up, but thanks”.  AKA “I don’t trust “my girl” at all or you”.  Understandably so.

So a few minutes after I give the phone back the conversation ends with her yelling at him “DON’T TAKE MY SON OUT WHEN IT’S THIS LATE”

I notice there is a cop behind me at the gas station and tell her to shut the fuck up after I asked nicely twice.  I mean enough is enough.

Then I drive a few miles to her place.  I notice the lights are on, and the main door is open.  There is a thin screen door enclosing entrance.

After making sure she can walk I pull up a few blocks past the house to avoid any confrontation.  She generously gives me a kick-ass hug, and asks if I saved my number in her phone.  I of course did earlier in the night, and she says she will text me the next day.

I then swung around and drove off.  As I was driving past I got a glimpse of the guy.  I could feel the anger a mile away.  He was definitely a bigger guy, well big compared to me which isn’t saying that much.  But yeah it wouldn’t have been a great time throwing down with this dude.

The first text I received the next day from her was:  “Hey omg what happened last nite lol?”

Note I arrived at the bar around 10:30 p.m.  Ridiculous situations follow me, and this was no different.  All this going down in 4.5 hours was impressive.  If anything I remember why nothing really good comes from me going out.  I’d nearly be better bleeding away money on the poker tables during the weekends, which I have been doing quite well. 

Cool girl though!

-bag

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Reader Comments (7)

Haha, absolutely epic! Quality story mate, I wish mine were as fun! FWIW I've had to drive a girl home while holding her up at the same time, was not fun, luckily for me she hurled moments after getting out of the car. If she had done it inside I'd of likely ditched her.

Great blog mate, will definitely be coming back for a read. Have added you to my blogroll too. Can you also drop me a mail?

Cheers!

Chris

May 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter1tripz1

bahaha this is incredible. If the poker thing doesn't work out please just go out every week and write stories about your failures.

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRy

Haven't read your blog for a while... forgot how bloody hilarious you are. Mate this sounds like an awesome night...Certainly not a fail in my book

May 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurence

Thanks for stopping by guys. I'm happy I only had a couple drinks and could remember some specific details. Thought this was too good a story not to share. All the baggage is a shame, a very pretty girl.

UPDATE: The first thing she said when she woke up in my car was "I'm sooooo cold". So I grabbed something from my back seat and wrapped her in it. Talked to her a few days ago and SHE STILL HAS MY JACKET.

.............

It was old anyways.......

May 27, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterbaglife

Nice. And, hey, this is a good story for the fact that neither of these happened:

1. Your car got puked all over
2. You got your ass kicked by the fiancee and didn't even get anything from the girl

I'm 30 so when I read stories like these I end up missing random events like these and being glad random events like these don't find my anymore simultaneously.

Once you settle down you miss it a little, though. So make sure you keep doing whatever the hell you want while you can. Poker is never going to die. Not to be morbid but I can't say the same about you and I.

You definitely don't want to look back on your youth and realize you spent 80% of it grinding small stakes poker games. Fuck all that noise, haha.

May 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFkCoolers

FK,

Yeah I was thinking about how bad this really could have ended up. I didn't feel guilty hanging out with her because she explained the fiancé situation to me. It's a strange situation and she was dead serious about moving out in a week and breaking it off for several very good reasons (this was all explained before she became train-wrecked). But yes I was absolutely on alert for some guy attacking me (worst case scenario) because this was a crazy situation, but I would never just leave her stranded, that's just not me. Despite all the jokes and bullshit, I think this girl was a good person who was dealt a rough hand in life, and I genuinely cared about her well being. Not saying It would even be wise to go on a date with her, but yeah I honestly would have rather got my ass beat then leave her stranded black-out drunk. I stand by the way I handled everything.

Good point on the poker and youth. My plan is to replace my day job with poker, then I can do whatever the hell I want when I'm not playing poker (life returns to balanced). Right now its unfortunately almost 90% corporate (day-job) and fighting whenever I can to to escape by having poker sustain itself. I certainly don't want to live like this for long, but it's a necessary sacrifice during the next two months. It's better than being over-aggressive and going broke, never giving myself a chance to begin with. Playing professionally is damn hard (especially all online). Not only do you have to be incredibly driven and skillful, but you can do everything right and still hit huge waves of variance.

The story here represents the other 10% of my life I guess. I still somehow manage to usually go out once per week right now, just don't always drink as much.

A final note, I'd rather spend 80% of my youth grinding small stakes poker, as opposed to spending 80% of my youth climbing the bullshit corporate ladder (as fucked up as that sounds). Random events always hit me, I don't ever see that changing with me. It's quite bizarre.

One thing I do disagree on is poker always being there, for me at least. I see these upcoming months as the only time in my life I will be able to make a real push to play professionally, giving my dreams a shot. As soon as I get serious with another girl and she eventually wants to have a kid, that's it I mean the priorities are forever changed. Suddenly there's no time for a transition period. Right now I have to luxury of just having to worry about supporting my crazy self. Also, I have a bankroll saved up and my expenses are low.

I really ran on here but yes I think about the things points you brought up a lot, certainly weekly. Was re-affirming what I was fighting for as I wrote this comment in a way. Thanks for bringing up the good points as usual.

May 27, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterbaglife

Thanks for the add and the comment mate, absolutely hilarious update as well!

You say other side of the world, where about? Yes love the shisha, its something I picked up in Egypt. Couple of local places do it, pretty much the only culture in my town, so we go there fairly often.

Can you please drop me a mail mate? Cheers!

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter1tripz1

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