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After many years of going to school and saying no to drugs I graduated with a degree!  Little did I know it would lead me to being beaten into the ground at the hands of a soulless corporation.  After 3 years I quit to play poker professionally.  I've now been full-time over 7 years, yet revenge is still in the air.  It's crazy to look back and realize I started this blog as I was simply 'pumping myself up' to quit the real world and go full time.  Now I also do some writing for fun as a 'day job' (some freelance and paid, but an insignificant sum compared to 5/10 live) and airbnb my place when I don't feel like playing as much.

Monday
Sep052016

Monday Revenge (9/5/16)

Why not?

Was disapointed with my effort last night and wanted to come back again tonight.

Will focus on what I feel are the 'highest ROI' MTTs online in N.J.  Also going to try to satty into the borgata live opening event since I will be playing that this week for $560 anyways (up to 3 bullets).

Overall I'm feeling much better about life.  Things just feel clearer today.  I think it's signs of the last of the parasite that was emotional attachment to the last relationship being pushed the the corners of my subconious and running out of room fast.  

Journal format: 

Log here.

 

Sunday
Sep042016

Sunday Funday Under-way

Starting off a long Sunday MTT session here.  Focusing on the MTTS online in NJ that I feel have the highest ROI.  Aiming to do this more to help new people just getting into MTTs. 

Will update some here

Want to focus on improving and helping others improve.

Saturday
Sep032016

Back in the Eye of the Storm (9.3.2016)

Kicking off a Saturday MTT session today.  Will keep a running journal of sorts here on a reddit sub-chan I started.

The point of the sub-chan is really more of a way to reach out to a few close friends who enjoy the writing or want to learn more about increasing win-rates in MTT or cash games.

Today we will focus on MTTs.  

Wednesday
Aug312016

Freedom Monday (8/31/2016)

Played an MTT session tonight and fought hard.  Decided to keep the buy ins lower whenever possible to focus on helping others beat the smaller buy in MTTS and max out ROI; especially for new players trying to generate a side income stream in N.J.  Did a recording tonight for my private group at least. 

Also kept a journal of some of the smaller stuff here.  

Today is freedom Monday because I decided to end a toxic relationship I was involved in earlier and I'm starting to feel better because of it already.

Break-ups are always pretty much devastating, but I'm going to do my best to use this as fuel to improve and grow daily.  This will be a turning point when I get over this in stride no matter what. 

She added more negativity then positively to my life every single day; I could end it with that explanation pure and simple.  But just to make sure I even kept a positively/negativity chart on an excel sheet.  Everyday I would grade how much positively to negativity she and the relationship was adding to my life daily.  I started this at the beginning of the month to make sure I wasn't losing my mind.  Each day the worst possible score was -10; the highest possible score was +10.  At the end of the month she was at about -100.  That is hard to do ...

Man if I had a $100 for every relationship an excel positively/negativity spreadsheet has ended... 

I now need to ask myself every day WHAT AM I DOING to improve EVERY DAY that I wouldn't have been able to do if I was still with the parasitic girl.

It's really not personal; If anything I should be thanking her.  It was a reminder that I have to look into the mirror; this can't happen again ever.  I can't allow such a toxic influence to chip at my progress as a person.

Looking back the situation actually feels like a bad dream for most of the time (except the really good sex; which is an addiction itself and didn't even close to out weigh the negativity).  My thinking patterns made little to no sense when I talked about her and the relationship; even to friends who described me as in 'a trance.'  It was a trance; I was the host of a parasite that was destroying me.

It wasn't even personal; she loved me as best as she knew how, but you have to love yourself before you know how to love anyone.  An addict doesn't love themselves; they have a disease fueled by unwavering victim mentality.  They will continue to destroy themselves and everyone around until they CHOOSE TO BE AT WAR TO CHANGE.  As a significant other you can be dragged into the abyss or cut ties and hope they one day find the happiness they deserve and are looking for; but you no longer have any say in the matter.  To stay is to suffer needlessly; you have to recognize it and save your self.  It will perhaps be one of the hardest choices you will have to make, but it is 100% correct and needs to be done.

At the end of the day I am a high quality guy.  To think I fell so deep into scarcity and selflessly poured so much into one girl is maddening.  Putting so much into one person who proved many times she is incapable of being in a mutual beneficial relationship with anyone was pathetic on my part pure and simple.  I can do better; I have to do better.  When it was said and done She allowed me to hold up the mirror so I can rally back to my core purposes and improve myself.

We have so much to accomplish in life and so little time.

Sunday
Aug282016

Sunday Funday Session (8/28/2016)

Kicking off a Sunday Funday recorded session here.  Will walk through the Sunday MTTs online in NJ with the highest ROI including freerolls.  Looking forward to this and will update here:

Boom!

Hope everyone is fantastically well.

-Defender 

update 11:50 p.m

Great session and 'game changing day' emotionally for me.  Ended up taking a $50 turbo run to 2nd place.  Busted heads up losing to the open shove TT < A2o.  Big $600 pay difference but enjoyed the run.

Looking to get back into MTTs more during Septemeber because I'm a degenerate.