Feeling Lousy: Updates (3/24/2011)
Thursday, March 24, 2011 at 4:18AM I haven't really updated much this month for whatever reason. I just got back from a vacation on Monday, so that chopped out a live week of volume. The vacation was great, had an amazing time. I thought it would clear my head, I guess it did until I returned to Atlantic City. I soon return and quickly it's back to reality. Just finished up another waste of life online week. From Monday-Wednesday down -$220 in 20 hours. I officially can't beat 50NL, that's how bad I am at poker. Really running out of ideas fast online. I mean if I can't get something going soon there will come a point where I seriously have to debate changing my path drastically. As in mostly cutting online from my schedule. How long can I sit there and break even or lose money online before I have to switch to all live? I mean even if I grind 1-2 on a weekday I can surely make $15 an hour.
I'm putting around 20-25 hours per week online and no matter what the fuck I do I can't seem to figure things out. I see spikes of progress, but nothing ever pans out. I study, I put the time in, I try to focus. Yet nothing matters. Also the going back and forth between online and live every week could be hurting me. The games are two completely different animals. Also I'm playing online at the worst volume times, Monday-Wednesday, meh whatever. I think a better strategy would be playing online one week, and live the next, etc, etc. But I don't really have that luxury since I have no evidence I can grind out $15 an hour online, even at 50NL. So playing a full week online seems pretty stupid if I'm not even confident I can beat the games steady. Maybe the weekends would be much different, but still.
Another excuse: my head is just NOT there during some of these online sessions. It's just consumed with going through this break-up with this girl, she has fucked me up so much. I'm absolutely miserable about it. I think I'm better off playing live more for this reason. At least live I'm around people more which gets my mind off of it some. But online at some point my thoughts take over:
"Dude forget about her, it's never going to work out anyways, this is where you end it NOW. Don't call her back next time. There's no point you haven't even hung out in two weeks anyways. Man the fuck up."
"Forget her man up, don't text her back next time"
"She's obviously just fucking with you at this point. She only stays in touch with you to fuck with your head. It brings her pleasure, she knows you still want her, but she could care less. Something else is obviously going on. She must be talking with her ex or something, I don't know."
"I seriously wish I could go back in time 2 months ago, for only a few days. Then I would be happy like I was then. Girl X would still be the girl I fell for, she would be passionate about seeing me, care about my life. My head would be clear."
But she's not the girl I fell for. The girl I liked is trapped deep within the chaos of a fucked up situation she has created for herself. It will never be like it was.
And despite the logic I still struggle every day. It's not like I'm a bad looking guy and who can't find someone else. Last Monday at the club I made out with a girl most of the night long time, she was very into me. That didn't pan out, she was just visiting for spring break. Then in NY a similar situation (different girl). But I return home and it doesn't matter, she lives in Manhattan. However, it doesn't matter. I still can't get my mind off Girl X.
And I mean can I really be serious? I have to worry about my survival. I have some SERIOUS SHIT to worry about. I'm taking a shot at 2-5 right now, if I down-swing it could be back to 1-2 for several months (or god knows how long). I play online 20 hours + per week but can't even beat 50NL. But I'm letting shit with girl X consume me, it's eating me alive. Why can't I get over this one....
So tomorrow it's back to 2-5 full buy-in. The next few weekends are going to be an absolute war, but that is my life.
-bag
Reader Comments (1)
Bags, lighten up on yourself and focus. If you can't, definitely stick to 1-2Live until you can. A bad downswing at 2-5 could really hurt. You are being honest with yourself by saying you are not focused, so listen to yourself and don't make a big error while not at your best. You worked hard to get to where you are, don't throw it all away during a difficult period in your life. Regroup mentally. Don't put too much pressure on yourself right now. You seem to have a lot on your mind. Good luck.