New Session Log (9/15/2011)

I've been a pro for almost a year now. 

During that time I have meticulously recorded every single session on excel sheets.  I can tell you exactly what I’m up or down from a session over a year ago.  For example it looks like on 9/6/2010 I had the biggest 1-2 win of my life, up +1365 in 5.5 hours.  The session took place Monday night, 10:30 p.m – 4:00 a.m.

For the first time I want to experiment with a different model for recording sessions.  I just want to record the duration, location, mistake-free?, mind-set/emotional state, notes/adjustments, and finally up/even/down.

Duration

Still recording the actual number of hours I play.  Just to make sure I’m not getting lazy, or over-working myself.

Location

You guessed it, the casino I playing at.

Mistake-free?

A simple yes or no will do.  Did I feel I played mistake free during the session?  If I don’t feel I played mistake free I will write no and explain in a corresponding the note section.

Emotional state (Mind-set)

Good, average, frustrated, disgusted, and mind-fucked are all examples.  I had an “emotional state box” on my primary session log sheet so this isn't completely new.   But in this model the emotional state box is being listed ahead of any net results.

Up/even/down

A simple “up” “even” or “down” for my net session result.  If it's within approximately $50 of up or down I'll probably just put even.  I can still have a stop-loss in effect even though I'm not actaully recording the net result.  I walk in the casino with 1500, if I'm at 500 I realize my wallet is a little low and just leave.

Notes/Adjustments

This will often correspond to the “mistake-free” section.  Here I will talk about session specifics.  If I feel any adjustments are needed I will record them.

Moving on….

Notice there isn’t an exact “net/gain/loss” or “hourly rate” listed.  That’s sort of the point.  These are things I usually can’t control.  Normally I look right over to the “net/win/loss” after a session and see -$300, and that’s it.  “Failed session” I subconsciously think, as I beat myself up for no reason.

I’m hoping to focus on mistake-free and emotional state.  If both these elements are in my favor I should be able to sleep well at night.  If I’m also “UP” that’s just a side bonus.

Notice that being up 1k or being down -1k no longer has significance in this format.  If I’m mistake free and feel emotionally well I win.

If I make mistakes and don’t feel good I lose.

I’ve been such a stat freak for so long.  This should be interesting.  If I don’t like the model I can always go back to meticulously recording every dollar.  But this may be a good change of pace.  I’m attempting to eradicate the results oriented attitude that has always caused me more negatives than positives during my first year as a pro.

At the end of each week I can easily update my current bankroll status just to make sure I’m properly rolled and all.  I’ll update on how it works out.

-bag

Working on My Mind-Set (9/15/2011)

Things haven't gone better for me on the tables right now.  I've been trying hard to get back in the right mind-set going forward.  It's been my worst month as a pro, but not all is lost.

I actually contacted Tommy Angelo (mind-set coach) and he was kind enough to get back to me.  He looked at my situation and gave me his thoughts.  This helped me a lot because he is an author I really respect.  I read both his books and a video series he made online.  Despite studying his material I still have bad runs and slip back into my old ways of not thinking properly (as seen during my past few posts).

My main problem with being so disatisfied is mostly in my mind.  I previously had X buy-ins, so now I'm disapointed with Y buy-ins.  But I'm still in ok shape even with Y.

It's good to keep track of everything, but maybe not obsess over it as much as I do.  It's like my net worth/bankroll is mapped out on little excel boxes that fluctuate (which I update sometimes).  After I woke up and read Tommy's email today I didn't go to the gym or play basketball.  I didn't study.  I didn't sit there and curse about my luck over the previous few weeks.  I went to the beach and relaxed an hour. 

I asked myself:  "Why did I leave the life of comfortable wage slavery and do this in the first place?"

The answer was I wanted to at least feel free.  As long as I have a bankroll to play 2/5 in the casino every day, and I can make enough to cover expenses/living most months I should be ok.  I've accepted I'll probably never be rich, but I can be just as or more free.

Whatever happens this down-swing 100% has to be used as an opportunity to grow.  If I can find a way through this I can become unstoppable.  Most people won't ever run like this.  Even fewer will run like this and dig out psychologically, but I think I have what it takes to be one of them. 

So how am I doing?

Fine.

I'm healthy and I don't have to be at a dark cubicle by 9a.m tomorrow.

A Career Wave of Bad (9/11/2011)

Just wrapped up the weekend.  Blasted away another 3 buy-ins.  Everything that could go wrong during the last 40 hours of play has gone wrong.

Breaking up my sessions into intervals I've lost the last 9 straight.  This may never happen again in my life.  Previously I have never lost more than 5 straight live sessions.  This down-swing should go down in the record books for me. It's now just over 8 buyins.  You hear how these sort of things are possible even live, but you never actually believe it until it happens to you.

It's hard to explain to someone who isn't in the poker world.  And when you don't have a lot of poker friends you really do go through it completely on your own.  You question your sanity.  You start to think crazy things that aren't logical.  

I was happy with my play during the down-swing for the most part.  Even tonight (Saturday) I felt I played very well and mistake free.  What can I say?  The biggest pot lost:  I isolate $35 pre from the blinds with AsJc and get one caller pre-flop (a very tight casual player).  Flop Ad Td 3c (a diamond draw is out).  I cbet $50 into 80 he calls.  TURN Jh.  I bet $140 into $180, he shoves all in.  I just remember I calculated everything in my head right there.  IT was $150 more for me to win a $750 pot.  I only need to be good 20% of the time against his range here to break even.  I'm obviously calling any amount, but I calculated it in my head right there just for fun.  I'm also thinking about how I could possibly end up losing this pot, deep down I know I will.

RIVER DIAMOND.

HE TURNS OVER 9d4d BINKING THE FLUSH.  I launch the fucking cards across the table and everything is rage for the next 50 seconds.  I accidently threw my cards so far that one of them smacked against the opposite rail and turned over.  I don't remember the other card turning over.  But the 94s donkey to my immediate right commented after "What took you so long, that's a snap call with two pair".  I didn't say anything.  I thought to myself "Ok it took me like 30 seconds to call.  I was calculating the exact equity I needed to call against his range because I like to do this sort of practice on the run.  It's certainly a snap call, but for fun I like to caluclate JUST HOW BIG that bet would have had to be for me to possibly consider folding."

And what else is new.  I could run on about bad beats but I won't.  There are probably about 5 stories like this from the past four days.  My favorite was probably getting in $130 pre-flop Friday night with AA and being called heads up.  Flop 8 J T.  $170 more gets in on the flop and he has the elusive 97o for the nut straight.

I have never seen so many dry flush draws get there.

I have never seen opponents nail the ridiculous shit at such a high frequency after being destroyed equity wise.

I have never realized it was so easy to flop trips.  What is it normally like 3% to flop trips?  My opponents manage to flop trips on me like 50% of the time.

So uh, that's my week?

How was yours?

lol?

Ok so I don't know.  AT least I know what it feels like to have 6% of your net worth sucked out on the poker table in the span of 40 hours.

I recently made a poker friend who just moved to the area.  He's won 12k in just over a month playing the same stakes.  That's almost double what I made the entire summer.  He has a very similar style as myself and grinded some of the same games online.  He may be like a .5 pt BB/100 higher winner then me.  I don't understand this game anymore............

Tommorrow I'm going to wake up and work out.  Then I might play about 6 hours at night.  I'm not going to over-do the playing tomorrow.  I've played Wednesday-Saturday and lost -3.5k in that span.  The results are irrelevant, but I usually don't like to play more than 4 days in a row.

This month will clearly be a losing one, I'm certain of that.  All I can do is try to chip away at the losses 8 hours at a time, by playing mistake free.  By playing mistake free, even if I  continue to get fucked up the ass by the Gods of probability.  Even if there are not Gods of probability, even if it really is just random cards being dealt.

My main grind days this week will most likely be Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  I'm taking off Saturday because I'm playing the Borgata main event on Sunday.  Saturday will probably be just study 5 hours and get some sleep for Sunday.  This will be the biggest tournament I've ever entered.  I'm playing it no matter what.  I don't care if I lose 10 fucking grand this upcoming Wed-Fri.

Schedule something like:

Sunday:  (exercise, Play 6 hours minimum)

Monday:  (Watch the U.S open final, 6 hours of tourney studying/playing)

Tuesday:  (work-out, No grinding cash tables, Study for tournaments a minimum of 5 hours)

Wednesday: (8 hours of grind minimum)

Thursday:  (8 hours of grind min)

Friday:  (5 hours min, if the games suck like most Fridays go home and study some)

Saturday: (work-out, study 4 hours, get sleep)

Notice there isn't any going out or anything there.  Decided to not drink a week until after the main.  I just don't want to get drunk and burn off two days.

That's about it right now.  It's going to be a war getting out of this down-swing.  All I can do is keep playing mistake free, keep putting in the volume, and keep focused.  I wonder how long this can continue?

-bag

Tomorrow and Ground Rules (9/9/2011)

I'm in a bit of a bad situation after dropping 3 buy-ins today.  So I figured I'd make some ground rules to stop the bleeding.  I need some responsibility.  I can't let myself go into self-destruct mode.

For the rest of the weekend and month for that matter:

1)  -1k Stop loss in effect per night.

2)  If you make a pay-off or semi-serious mistake you aren’t happy with you are banished to 1/2 for the remainder of the night.  If you have too much pride to play 1/2 then go the hell home.  So the next time you tank and start calculating that “break even % equity needed to call” keep that in mind.  Sure you  may only need 22%, but also know that you will be banished to 1/2.  It’s hard enough to win at this game.  The last thing you need to do is start paying off fish.  You worked hard to get to this level.  You aren’t about to fuck everything up that you've worked for in two weeks.  It’s a privilege to play here, you have to continue to EARN the right to play.  You aren’t entitled to shit.

3)  Be mindful of the duration of your sessions.  You should be forcing a break every 3-4 hours, even if it’s a walk or small breather.

4)  Be mistake free, one hand at a time.

5)  Bury your pride or self destruct.

Off to bed.  Going to force a work-out before I play tomorrow night.  It’s been a career low day.  I’m disappointed in myself.  I broke my -1k stop-loss and ended up pissing away another buy-in.  1k may have been fluctuations, but there was -500 you didn’t have to give away.  Minus 500 that your “A game” would never haven given away.

-bag

Absolute Hell (9/8/2011)

I started up a session somewhat early today.  Lost get -$1000 in 1.5 hours.

Looking back at my records this is the fastest I've ever lost -1k.  A mild downswing has just become hell on earth. 

One of the first hands I lost around -$300 value owning myself with AK on a dry K T 4 x 4 board.  Of course the dude has KT calling behind the entire way.  I was picking up a ton of hands which almost never happens, nothing premium, but stuff I'm going to stay aggressive with.  AK, AJo, AJo, ATs, AQo.  I think I won 1 out of 6 of them.

I lost another decent pot holding AT on a T 9 x board (two hearts).  I made it $120 more on the flop get a caller.  The worst card in the deck comes turn K hearts.  I probably would have barreled any other heart card even though I didn't have a heart.  The river comes Jack off, the dude has TJo.  I mean ok great.

Then the final -$500 came getting it in top two pair vs a set.  It was a gray area call at the end.  I mean the board is K 9 5 Q x.

It went all in on the turn after I raised to $140, the same TJo donkey shoved all in.  I'm getting $250 to win an $1100 pot here.  I only need to be good 22% of the time to make this call break even.  But I am never good here.  Because my life fucking sucks or whatever.  The guy had pocket 5s.  Nice to drill all these sets.  Wonder how that feels.  I still think it is a bit of a mistake calling it.  The turn brining in a back-door flush draw made it more border-line.  I think he can shove there with a lot of Kx FD combos that I beat, I beat lower two pairs, I beat AK.  I do however love how I know run into the most impossible situations in these totally straight forward games.  Anyone else, it's all value EZ game.  Just sit there drill sets, run up 3k in 2 hours, you know the usual bull-shit.

I'm going to go back and try to keep playing tonight.  I mean what the fuck can I do?  It's basically the weekend, I have to at least try to get on track.  This is my job, I am a professional poker player right?  Great 1.5 hour start here, fucking magnificent.  I'm breaking my stop loss rule by going back already down -1k tonight, let's see how it goes.  Maybe it will be easier knowing the month is already fucked in the first 8 days.  Knowing it could take me weeks to get that loss back the way I run.  The pressue is off right?  I'm already fucked. 

If I drop 20 buy-ins playing 2/5 I should consider dropping back to 1/2, because then I would only have 50 left.  The most I've ever dropped is 6 BIs in a 15 hour span live.  I'm already down 4 in 30 some hours this month.  Honestly, I may not have it in me to drop back to 1/2.  I may just say poker isn't for me at that point.  I'd rather borrow money and keeping playing 2/5 with a more stable roll then drop to 1/2.  Dropping would be a disaster and a waste of time.

-bag