Tomorrow and Ground Rules (9/9/2011)

I'm in a bit of a bad situation after dropping 3 buy-ins today.  So I figured I'd make some ground rules to stop the bleeding.  I need some responsibility.  I can't let myself go into self-destruct mode.

For the rest of the weekend and month for that matter:

1)  -1k Stop loss in effect per night.

2)  If you make a pay-off or semi-serious mistake you aren’t happy with you are banished to 1/2 for the remainder of the night.  If you have too much pride to play 1/2 then go the hell home.  So the next time you tank and start calculating that “break even % equity needed to call” keep that in mind.  Sure you  may only need 22%, but also know that you will be banished to 1/2.  It’s hard enough to win at this game.  The last thing you need to do is start paying off fish.  You worked hard to get to this level.  You aren’t about to fuck everything up that you've worked for in two weeks.  It’s a privilege to play here, you have to continue to EARN the right to play.  You aren’t entitled to shit.

3)  Be mindful of the duration of your sessions.  You should be forcing a break every 3-4 hours, even if it’s a walk or small breather.

4)  Be mistake free, one hand at a time.

5)  Bury your pride or self destruct.

Off to bed.  Going to force a work-out before I play tomorrow night.  It’s been a career low day.  I’m disappointed in myself.  I broke my -1k stop-loss and ended up pissing away another buy-in.  1k may have been fluctuations, but there was -500 you didn’t have to give away.  Minus 500 that your “A game” would never haven given away.

-bag

Absolute Hell (9/8/2011)

I started up a session somewhat early today.  Lost get -$1000 in 1.5 hours.

Looking back at my records this is the fastest I've ever lost -1k.  A mild downswing has just become hell on earth. 

One of the first hands I lost around -$300 value owning myself with AK on a dry K T 4 x 4 board.  Of course the dude has KT calling behind the entire way.  I was picking up a ton of hands which almost never happens, nothing premium, but stuff I'm going to stay aggressive with.  AK, AJo, AJo, ATs, AQo.  I think I won 1 out of 6 of them.

I lost another decent pot holding AT on a T 9 x board (two hearts).  I made it $120 more on the flop get a caller.  The worst card in the deck comes turn K hearts.  I probably would have barreled any other heart card even though I didn't have a heart.  The river comes Jack off, the dude has TJo.  I mean ok great.

Then the final -$500 came getting it in top two pair vs a set.  It was a gray area call at the end.  I mean the board is K 9 5 Q x.

It went all in on the turn after I raised to $140, the same TJo donkey shoved all in.  I'm getting $250 to win an $1100 pot here.  I only need to be good 22% of the time to make this call break even.  But I am never good here.  Because my life fucking sucks or whatever.  The guy had pocket 5s.  Nice to drill all these sets.  Wonder how that feels.  I still think it is a bit of a mistake calling it.  The turn brining in a back-door flush draw made it more border-line.  I think he can shove there with a lot of Kx FD combos that I beat, I beat lower two pairs, I beat AK.  I do however love how I know run into the most impossible situations in these totally straight forward games.  Anyone else, it's all value EZ game.  Just sit there drill sets, run up 3k in 2 hours, you know the usual bull-shit.

I'm going to go back and try to keep playing tonight.  I mean what the fuck can I do?  It's basically the weekend, I have to at least try to get on track.  This is my job, I am a professional poker player right?  Great 1.5 hour start here, fucking magnificent.  I'm breaking my stop loss rule by going back already down -1k tonight, let's see how it goes.  Maybe it will be easier knowing the month is already fucked in the first 8 days.  Knowing it could take me weeks to get that loss back the way I run.  The pressue is off right?  I'm already fucked. 

If I drop 20 buy-ins playing 2/5 I should consider dropping back to 1/2, because then I would only have 50 left.  The most I've ever dropped is 6 BIs in a 15 hour span live.  I'm already down 4 in 30 some hours this month.  Honestly, I may not have it in me to drop back to 1/2.  I may just say poker isn't for me at that point.  I'd rather borrow money and keeping playing 2/5 with a more stable roll then drop to 1/2.  Dropping would be a disaster and a waste of time.

-bag

Tough Day, Downswings, and Balancing Life with Poker (9/7/2011)

Today was tough to say the least.  I played the first tournament at the Borgata open which was a $450 re-entry event.  The tournament had great value with over 1700 people.

I battled hard but busted 8 hours later around 680^th.  The final hand was an open-shove with about 13BBs with AQo.  As soon as the villain called I had a feeling it was game over.  Sure enough he turned over AK, which held.  I couldn’t seem to get much going in a meaningful situation during the day.  I tried to stay aggressive around 40-50 BBs.  But if a few pots didn’t go my way and I become limited rather quickly.  Such is the beast that is tournament poker.   Hopefully I can finish higher in the main.

Overall I was shocked at the poor play I witnessed throughout the tournament.  You wouldn’t believe the amount of fundamentally terrible poker players that are willing to buy into these things.  Seriously, you think a new player would maybe google “poker strategy” before planning to dump 1k+ into a tournament.  Even the tournament regulars seemed very spewy post-flop in certain spots.  Anyways, the first events at Borgata opens always have good value, and I’ll most likely be playing this same tournament next open.  It was fun I guess.  But playing 8 hours with nothing to show is why tournaments haven’t been in my schedule much.

After playing 8 hours I put in a 4.5 hour 2/5 session and lost -$280.  On the bright side, the action was good.  Normally I’m fine with a small losing session as long as I feel I played mistake free and the action was good (especially during a weeknight).  It’s like: “ok tonight is not my night from a net result stand-point, BUT THE ACTION WAS THERE, at least someone was getting it, at least it was very possible to win a decent amount a large percentage of the time.”

It’s been a disgusting month so far.  The results are starting to penetrate my psychology for the worse.  Something about starting off the month already down over $900 in the first 33 hours of 2/5 play just really pisses me off when I think about it too much.  It’s a continuation from the last month. 

I’m not happy right now.  The poker results have just screwed with the rest of my life, the run bad has just infected everything.  When I’m not on the table getting sucked out or getting dealt bottom 20% hands for 4 hours straight during what would be the most profitable session ever, I’m thinking about how I’m down.  How I can’t seem to string together an above average session.  How long this shit can actually last?  How long I can mass the fucking hell out of my volume with NOTHING to show for it.

How long?

I guess the logical answer would be either:

A)  Until I psychologically implode.

(I get rattled somtimes, but I wouldn't say I've imploded.  Imploding would be ripping the cards in half at the Borgata as the dry flush draw rivers me)

B)  Until I bust my bankroll and have to drop or quit poker. 

(Over 70 buy-ins seems to be enough for live 2/5, but maybe I'm that one doomed soul).

or:

C)  Combination of A and B

My psychological state and bankroll are in somewhat reasonable order (despite the pissed off tone of this post).  Keep in mind this normally all doesn't come out unless I stop and think about it for a while.  It's not like I'm thinking about running bad while playing, sure I'm somewhat aware, but it more creeps in after the sessions.  I think this is why I write less when I'm running bad.  It may not be healthy for my mind.  Then again, you could make the argument that it is good to sometimes "bitch" and get it all out sometimes.  Almost like cleaning up your computer's hard-drive.  As long as you don't dig up garbage and start throwing it all over the place.  That would not be cool.  But I think it can be healthy to write about feeling bad if you can get it out, and then REMOVE IT, or detach it from your everyday reality.  As in wake up the next day and move on.  I feel I've done a good job of waking up and "moving on" during my first year as a pro.  Sure there is always room to improve.

Beyond the psychological and bankroll issues I still struggle with the "HOW MUCH".  I mean seriously, how much can I keep studying and massing volume weekly?  Do I just give up the rest of my life until I log some solid results?  What if they never come?  I obviously need to balance the rest of my life with poker, but it's tough when you bust your ass a month with zero to show for it.  It makes you want to dig down, commit more to poker, and pull out of the "hole" faster.

I have not lost confidence in my ability to mistake play free.  But it’s just as bad.  It’s like I have this doomed outlook right now.  Like I’m becoming trapped and there isn’t much I can do to get out.  I work harder and I get sucked in deeper.  I've lost confidence in the ability to run average for one fucking week.  That being the case perhaps it doesn't matter if I commit 40 hours or 50 hours to poker.  The "miserable time poker" is still going to run it's course.  I'd like to go out and have fun once a week like a normal person.  I'd like to start dating a girl again soon.  It's not logical to say these sort of things should be "put on hold" until poker is "worked out".  IT might never be "worked out", so why fuck up the rest of my life for something that might never even be "worked out"?.  I should be trying to improve the rest of my life around poker.  Part of this involves keeping a schedule.  Keep staying active, eat healthy, have a social life every now and then.  These are things I've done a reasonable job with so far, but I have to keep in mind how important the things outside of poker are in my life.  I need to re-find that humor where I have the worst month ever and say "Well at least I'm not in corporate, and at least the rest of my life is pretty cool".  My thought process (last two weeks) of "Ok I'm running really bad, I need to sacrifice other areas in my life to commit more to poker" is scary and can't be right.  There always needs to be a balance. 

Anyways, I now must go to sleep and get ready for Thursday-Saturday sessions.  Feeling like this is not healthy.  Feeling this bad is something that I really need to monitor and pay attention too.

I’ve been up since 8 a.m so I’ll almost certainly be in a better mood tomorrow.  I need to stay focused and keep fighting.  I’m in for a long month perhaps.....

-bag

A Wasted Month and Going Forward (9/2/2011)

When I think about August I just consider it a “wasted month” when it comes to poker.

There was a lot going on and I failed to coordinate my schedule with the peak playing times.  I went to St Martin for vacation which took up two entire weekends.  Also, the hurricane pretty much destroyed one weekend.  And there was a funeral earlier in the month.

Despite all that I still managed to play 124 hours in August (15 of this was on vacation, not even real 2/5 games).  I finished up a disappointing +$240, not even half a buy in.  I don’t have all of the answers on how it’s possible for me to put 125 hours in during a summer month and basically break even.  It’s easy to forget how small of a sample size that really is.  It’s even tougher when you see the most ABC regulars in the universe who seem to win 1k every night.  This isn’t really happening, you just walk by at the wrong times.  But some of them do seem to run that good indefinitely, EZ life.  This is all b.s I can’t control, but yes it is very frustrating.

I’m looking forward to really putting in the volume this month, staying focused, and seeing what happens.  I don’t want to have much of a life other than poker right now.  I might go one night per week if things are going well.  If I break even a week or lose I probably won’t go, I’m feeling somewhat pressured to get something going.  If I break even or lose in 150+ hours this month it may be times to seriously re-evaluate what I’m doing.  This may involve even dropping back to 1/2 for a while.  Or maybe getting on some sketchy online poker site half the week.  I’m not sure, but I can’t afford to break even or lose months that often.  Ok maybe I can for a few, but it fucking sucks I’m not going to lie.

This month will be a massive grind.   I’m also planning on playing two tournaments at the Borgata.  The first event and the last event.  The last is a WPT event, which has a buy-in of $3500.  This will be the largest buy-in tournament I’ve ever played in.  I haven’t really taken a shot since I’ve gone pro, and I feel like taking one now.  I’m definitely looking at playing the main WPT event as a “shot” for me.  Also, I have someone taking 50% of my action and putting up 50% of my buy-in so this is a good deal for me. 

I have a lot of tournament study during the next two weeks as well.  So that will replace a lot of my cash game study during the next week or so.  The two tournaments shouldn’t really mess with my cash game grinding much.  The first tournament is a Wednesday at 11a.m.  And the main event is a Sunday at 11a.m (ok so it will mess up one Saturday night).

I’m getting ready to play tonight.  I haven’t worked out or anything today, bad idea.  Just wake woke up, ate a little, now getting ready to play.  I think it’s generally a good idea to do some light exercise before playing a 8-10 hour session, but I don’t always do it.  Sometimes I pretty much just only play poker a day.  And during an off-day I’ll put in a full work-out.

I’m not expecting much tonight.  It is a holiday weekend, but Fridays are one of the worst action nights of the week in my opinion.  At first I thought this was a huge fluke, but it sort of makes sense.  I think a lot of the weekend warrior types infest the tables during Friday night.  They are pretty much break even players, but they aren’t losing a lot of money.  It’s the typical wanna-be pro crowd, who enjoys nut peddling 8 hours on Friday night.  I have a decent hourly advantage on them, but you still need at least two fish for a good table.  In the upcoming months I might actually occasionally swap Friday out with another night.

-bag