The last session I logged was Sunday, a lovely break-even in 6 hours of play. Monday I was so tired that I could barely see the road when I was driving home from work. It was around that point that I realized I don’t even feel entirely human. The push to put in as much volume as possible on the virtual poker tables has consumed a large part of my life during the past 3 months and I have very little substance to show for it. Sure my skill has improved dramatically. Sure I’ve shown an awesome ability to get myself in extremely favorable situations and still lose. Also I’m nearly 90% to Supernova. But that doesn’t change the net loss I have experienced. That doesn’t change the unthinkable waves of negative EV that have pummeled me into the dirt. And is it really worth playing those extra 3 hours to risk almost crashing my car on the way home from work the next day because I’m so tired? Of course not. At this point I’m endangering my life. Even if I’m lucky and just damage another car I'm probably still going to pay at least $5,000 to cover the damages.
And all because I decided to play 3 more hours the night before to accumulate an additional 650 VPPs.
This event helped prompt me to take a break and get my thoughts in order. I decided to not log another hand until July 1st. During July I plan to resume going at the tables like an animal. I plan to hit Supernova by mid-July. In the mean-time I’m going to meet obligations at my day job, and do whatever the I want when I'm not at the office from 9a.m-5p.m . I’m going to the beach this weekend, and taking a vacation. I will be back Tuesday, so yeah. This trip is going to be epic. Several friends helped push me into it, and I decided I really want to have fun at this time. The beach is just awesome right now. This is Russian season.
(Russian season defined: A period of 4 months where extremely attractive female students from Russia are granted temporary Visa's if they agree to work at the beach city that happens to be located 3 hours away from me. They make minimum wage here, but if they take that loot back home they are ballers. Some are in it for the experience, some want to stay in America, some want to simply take the easy way out; find a guy and stay in the U.S.) Many may feel very alone in this strange land, it is our duty to make them feel welcome.
Logically putting this in perspective: Russian season is GREATER THAN (>) my job. Any time I've gone out with a girl during the past year and I didn't like her enough, I would think to myself: "Whatever Russian season is just a few months away, it doesn't matter, don't waste your time." It's moderately below poker. Not even far below, MODERATELY below. That's saying a lot. AND I'M NOT GOING TO SHOW UP? Screw that.
The day job is extremely busy right now. If I put in poker sessions at night I wouldn’t be able to meet my daily obligations at work. I hate my job, but they are paying me to complete a project so it is my obligation to complete it. Wednesday night I left my cube-farm office at 9 p.m. I looked at myself in the mirror when I got home later and asked: “do you really want to live like this?” The answer was not surprisingly a resounding NO.
I don’t want to be a corporate bitch. I don’t want my livelihood to revolve around sucking up to the next sequential level of power to climb the corporate ladder. Fuck the corporate ladder, I want to be my own man. However, it seems poker isn’t self sustaining online to the point where I can just quit and instantly make more money. Since even when I hit Supernova I really don’t have the confidence that I will run at least break even EV, it just hasn’t been going like that for me. So what the hell is the next step? Do I keep torturing myself with the day job and poker sessions until I see signs of EV balance? Do I slaughter a lamb and offer it to the God’s of EV?
Here’s what I do: calculate what I would make during the next three months at my day job (done). Take this total, pull it out of your savings account and QUIT. There problem solved, you earned the bull-shit money, now quit torturing yourself. And while you’re at it enjoy the rest of your summer like a normal human being. Play poker around 30-40 hours a week, but vacation whenever you want during the next two months if you feel the need too. Go enjoy russian season Mon-Wed whenever you want. Prime poker traffic is Wed-Sun anyways. And that’s it GOOD-BYE TO YOU corporate.
With the small amount added from the next three months I will have a combined minimum:
A) A $10,000 bankroll online.
This should be plenty to continue your current path online. I think with this amount I won’t feel the effects of EV swings as much.
B) A $5,000 live bankroll.
If things don’t work out online during a given month and you’re REALLY bleeding take a step back. Go to Atlantic City and grind out live fishy low limit tables. Do what you have to. Sleep out of your car a night or two, I don’t care. DO IT. Make the money you need to feel as if you’re progressing for the month.
C) At least $3,000 to live off of.
My expenses are at a minimum right now. I don’t have to worry about rent or anything. Also, the living expenses and live bankroll can have some over-lap here. You may not need much of a live bank-roll if online is going well enough. Still I could live off $3,000 for 5 months easily if I’m smart.
And what if it doesn’t work out?
Stop playing poker full-time, it’s as simple as that. Cut your losses and move on. Play part time if you want, but look for another career path and get damn serious about it. I already have several back-up options. I can get into the commercial Real Estate business with some family contacts I know. Or pick up another office job and rot in a cube farm a few more years. Or move to Manhattan and look for cube-farming opportunities up there. Or get into Real Estate and coach tennis. Besides, it's not like I don't have a solid degree. I’m not close to giving up and considering one of these options right now, but it’s good to know that they are there. It’s good to know that it’s not the end of the world if I fail at poker. It's not the end of my existence. I don't just vanish into thin air. For the first time I’m realizing now that there is a possibility that I could fail. This is really bad, but my confidence has taken a severe beat-down dropping around -$1000 last month even with eventually rake-back from the FPPs accumulated during that time. I know deep down that this will change in time and I have to just battle through the storm, but it's sometimes tough for me to fully grasp.
As long as I set stop points to the maximum I'm willing to invest online during any given month I think I will be just fine. For example, this June I wasn't going to invest more than $2,000 to continue pushing for Supernova and I did not. Even if I played the month out and dropped more money I would not have deposited another penny into my account. I've heard from many regulars that getting to Supernova is the hardest part. I think things will be much less stressful when I'm playing with weekly rake-back on my side. Hoarding FPPs to eventually use at SuperNova status while short-stacking is not for the light-hearted. You are seriously fucking with the God's of expected value when doing this. I don't feel I'm a failure as a person because I've had to invest more money. I'm playing without rake-back and I've ran extremely poorly even by HEM standards. So either invest more money or waste FPPs at Platinum Star status to make yourself feel better, it's whatever.
So yes I have much to think about, but I will be having one of the better times of my life on vacation this weekend. My confidence is pretty shit right now with poker. I’m confident in my ability and direction, but I’m not confident that I will EVER RUN anywhere even close to expected value. A way to counter that would be boosting my bankroll and dropping to $50 full buy in. I could even do this on the 100 NL 20-50 BB tables, so at least I’m getting more rake-back.
Oh it’s officially 3:00 a.m, work should be fun tomorrow! I stopped out tonight because it was my friend’s birthday and she’s a really important person in my life. I was still happy I made the sacrifice even though I will be very miserable tomorrow. At least I’m not drunk. Well apologies for the lack of updates. Perhaps I’ll have a good story to share from the weekend craziness. If not I’ll be back at the tables soon enough. I'm looking forward to a fresh July and a clean slate.
-bag